Tuesday, January 8, 2013

T(w)eenage Parenting #18: Pants on Fire

Your t(w)eens lies.  A lot.  To you. To friends. To relatives. To teachers. And without any discretion.  Even when all evidence points to the contrary, your t(w)eens continue to lie. The topic doesn’t even matter.  Whether it’s about chores, social interactions, grooming, homework, their whereabouts, or their plans, they continue to lie. It may seem like the lying is nonstop and you can't effectively change it.
Why t(w)eens lie
Developmentally, lying is considered a growth milestone that occurs around age four or five.  Many toddlers will deceive before this age, but it is typically after this age that a child’s motivations to lie become motivated by deception rather than by a motivation to please.  Over the t(w)een years, your t(w)een starts to lie for a myriad of other reasons, including learning how to be better at lying.
Why does a t(w)een need to be better at lying? Think of the degrees of lying, some of which have socially sanctioned names, such as “white lies”, “truthiness”, and “shades of gray”.  Sometimes parents encourage their children to lie, such as thanking someone for a less than desirable gift.  Sometimes parents lie to their children, and then need the children to perpetuate the lies for younger siblings, which is seen in the cases of the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus. As t(w)eens mature and recognize that sometimes lying is ok or even encouraged, they will test different situations by using trial and error with varying degrees of lying.
T(w)eens also lie to avoid consequences.  In these situations, it is easy to understand what is being gained by lying.  By avoiding consequences, t(w)eens don’t lose out on privileges or have to serve out punishments.
Social motivation is also the cause of lies.  These lies can include stories about belongings or experiences, neither of which may actually be true.  What these deceptions have in common is that they are often based on the attention of others.  That attention can include an improvement in social standing from their peers or from others who the t(w)eens hold in high regard.  What adults recognize in these situations that t(w)eens often don’t is the consequences when these lies eventually fall apart, mainly the significant drop in social status and the loss of other people’s trust.
T(w)eens also lie to save face and to hide their shortcomings. Whether or not it is done intentionally, many t(w)eens will lie so that they can perpetuate the idea that they are good child.  Many t(w)eens operate under a system of “all good” or “all bad” when it comes to their own self-concept, and they believe that other people operate under the same system.  T(w)eens don’t want to believe that they are bad and don’t want others to think so, either.  When they lie, they are trying to convince themselves and others that they are not bad. By this logic, however faulty it is, they believe that being “not bad” is the same as being good.  What they fail to realize is that the lying is often considered by others to be an action done by bad people.
A lot of what lying boils down to is freedom for the t(w)eens; they want to be seen as responsible individuals, free of being told what to do and how to behave. Unfortunately, t(w)eens aren’t very good at seeing how their lies may play out in the eyes of others, then get frustrated that they aren’t trusted anymore when things backfire. This is where many parents find themselves listening to promises of “I won’t do it again” or “I will change.”  These are situations that can become traps for entire families, because often it sets up t(w)eens to be caught in yet another lie or it puts parents in a situation where they can no longer trust what their t(w)eens tell them. Repeated enough times, this can lead to a cycle of mistrust that exists into adulthood and fractures relationships for years to come.
What to do about it
Many parents are under the impression that their t(w)een should never lie, especially to them.  So when your t(w)een lies to you, you suffer not only from the contents of the deception, but also from the hurt of the act of lying.  The logical question that many parents ask in this situation is, “What can I do to make my t(w)een stop lying to me?”  Unfortunately, there isn’t just one solution.  Just as there are different reasons for lying, there are as different ways to address them.
First, you need to change your approach. When you know information about your t(w)een, don’t set him up to lie to you. So when you find out that your t(w)een went to a party last weekend rather than going to the library, don’t ask him, “Where were you last weekend?” Instead, tell him the information that you do know and let him react accordingly. When you respond this way, you are modeling honesty yourself and being straightforward about your role as a parent. If he continues to lie, state the facts again: that he lied to you, you know where he was, and he has lied to you again despite being given the chance to come clean.
Second, stop lying to and in front of your t(w)een. Remember that t(w)eens will sniff out any double standards, so if you expect them to stop lying to you, stop lying to them. You probably don’t even know often much you lie on a daily basis. A 1997 University of Virginia study asked people to track their lies over the course of a week—and subjects reported that they lied nearly 30% of the time, and they didn’t even include social pleasantries (answering “I’m fine” to “How are you?”). So the next time that you’re late, even if it’s more convenient to say that you were stuck in traffic, remember that you are modeling honesty.
Next, it helps to figure out the reason that your t(w)een is lying in the first place. Is the lie about getting chores done so that your t(w)een can go out with friends? Or is the lie about your t(w)een’s whereabouts after school yesterday? Each type of lie needs to be addressed for what it is. In one case, your t(w)een is trying to avoid responsibility, while in the other he is lying about something that he shouldn’t have been doing in the first place.  Addressing the type of lie will help you to understand why your t(w)een is lying in the first place. If he’s trying to go out with friends, is it because he’s trying to impress new people? If he’s untruthful about his whereabouts, is he trying to impress new people who aren’t good role models? Once you know the reason for lying, you can help your t(w)een problem solve in the future or address the issue in a more straightforward manner.
When you do catch your t(w)een lying to you, you have a choice of how to respond. Is it more important to be the disciplinarian? If so, you may be sending the message to your t(w)een that he can’t come to you with information that will make you mad. Instead, think of the t(w)eenage years as the time to move into more of a coaching role, including coaching on emotions. So when he lies to you, make it a point to calmly talk about your own hurt about being lied to, and deal with the contents of the lie as a separate matter.
When you feel that lying has become your t(w)een’s way of dealing with everything, it can become even more frustrating and stressful for you. Instead of attempting to address each and every lie, make a general observation to your t(w)een about how much he seems to be lying and how hard it is to trust him. Have a serious discussion with him about ways that he can show that he is being truthful, then give him the honest chance to follow through.
Spending time with your t(w)een on a day-to-day basis will also help build a stronger relationship, which will help to lower the amount of lying. Engaging in activities with your t(w)een, of your t(w)een’s choosing, will help to create trust between the two of you. This way, your t(w)een won’t see you merely as a disciplinarian who must be avoided, but as someone who is genuinely interested in him and his interests. I suggest that you choose time when you are doing an activity together, not just staring at a TV screen. If you do find yourself watching a TV show or movie during your daily time together, ask your t(w)een about his thoughts about it after it ends.
The long and the short of it
In all likelihood, your t(w)een will probably continue to lie. It may seem like your t(w)een lies just for the sake of lying sometimes.  Keep your reactions in check. Respond to the lies as something separate from the contents of the lie. Be a good role mode and encourage honesty from your t(w)een.