T(w)eenage Parenting #8: A Sobering Conversation

In the eyes of many t(w)eens’ parents, drugs and alcohol seem to be everywhere.  And if parents are noticing the exposure, it’s probably a safe bet that the t(w)eens are noticing it, too.  It doesn’t even have to be direct exposure to drugs and alcohol.  Take Twilight for example, which is a movie geared to t(w)eens.  Edward tells Bella that she “is (his) brand of heroin.”  Knowing that t(w)eens are in an ever-present state to act more grown up, imagine what they are being exposed to while watching more mature movies.

How bad is it?

In a word: bad.  The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Colombia University calls adolescent substance use “America’s #1 Health Problem.”  They estimate that over 90% of people addicted to substances started using before age 18.  Further, they estimate that 28% of the population with substance use disorders started using before age 15 and 75% of high school students had used addictive substances at least once before graduation.

T(w)eenage Parenting #7: Level the Playing Field

Every day where we work, we see our young students struggling with the transition from home to school. They're all wonderful kids, but some can't share easily or listen in a group.  Some have impulse control problems and have trouble keeping their hands to themselves; others don't always see that actions have consequences; a few suffer terribly from separation anxiety.

Dr. Nicholas Christakis  & Erika Christakis, MEd, MPH

Harvard Professors

A child’s job is to play

Play is a kid’s thing.  T(w)eens hang out.  They go to friend’s houses.  They call it whatever it needs to be called so that way they distance themselves from being a kid.  No matter the name, it’s important for t(w)eens to continue to have unstructured time, with or without friends.  A combination of both is even better.

T(w)eenage Parenting #6: Video games (Part 1 of....many)

I don’t remember the last time that I met a t(w)een that didn’t play video games.  In fact, I previously ran a social skills group where we used video game parties as a reward for the group behaving well and following directions for an entire month.  We more or less stopped with these rewards when the kids kept complaining that they had better video games at home.

Moving away from “baby” things

Being a t(w)een, in many aspects, is a constant reminder of not being old enough to do many things.  It is no longer cool to participate in activities designed for their chronological age, so they begin to engage in activities that are geared for a slightly older target audience.  In the video game world, this is often seen as the transition in the games that they play.  Super Mario Bros. and Pokemon come to be replaced by Halo, Call of Duty, and Grand Theft Auto. 

T(w)eenage Parenting #5: Moms & Dads & Relationships

A major milestone of reaching adulthood is realizing that you do things the way your parents have done them (Note: unofficial milestone, this isn't in any developmental psychology books that I have read).  This milestone is highlighted in movies and TV shows during times when a main character does something out of character, sighs, and mutters, "I'm becoming my mother/father." A steady diet of these shows could lead you to the conclusion that it is a horrible thing to turn out like your parents. It's not just TV where this occurs. As adults in the real world, we have these realizations, too. What did our parents do wrong that it is so evil to become them?

Everything I learned…

Good, bad, or otherwise, our adult lives are shaped by our parents. Our views and the rules we make up about how the world works are generally formed during childhood.  Unless a dramatic shift in your life causes things to change, you tend to carry these rules into adulthood.  This holds true from things as diverse as the way socks should be folded to how relationships work.

T(w)eenage Parenting #4: Listen Up!

We all reach points in our lives when we begin to form seperate ideas from our parents  This is part of normal developmental, happens multiple times, and is sometimes described with “colorful” names, like the “Terrible Twos” describing toddlers. The social aspects of the t(w)eenage years brings on new challenges in asserting their independence. Parents are now competing with peer groups as the primary influence in their t(w)een’s lives.  The question is, how do parents maintain any sense of input with their t(w)eens?  What needs to be said to get these t(w)eens to listen? 

Listening

Believe it or not, there is a difference between hearing someone and listening to someone.  Hearing describes the physical process of sound entering our ears and travelling to our brains.  Hearing is what happens when we tell a t(w)een in the middle of an Xbox game that it’s time for dinner.  Listening, on the other hand, is the process of understanding the meanings of the sounds received into the brain and making sense of these sounds within the context of the environment. 

T(w)eenage Parenting #3: Revisiting Important Lessons

This April marks the one year anniversary of the passing of a local 12-year-old boy who died playing “The Choking Game.”  In the days following the incident, I was asked to help parents, families, and t(w)eens talk about the memory of this child and the dangerous game that led to his accidental death.  I was impressed by students that repeated these lessons to their friends and classmates in the following days, and I knew that these parents had done their jobs.  As the months passed, the students moved on with their lives and talk of “The Choking Game” and its dangers quieted.

As this community takes time to remember this young man, it is also time to revisit the lessons that were discussed in the days following the tragedy.  Too often important messages happen without taking the time to revisit and reflect on them.

T(w)eenage Parenting #2: Show Me the Money!

During t(w)eenage years, the value of money becomes a point of contention between parents and children.  Starting with t(w)eens and continuing through the teens, social status lines are often drawn by clothes, possessions, or access to clubs or groups.  As a parent, this can be interpreted as items that cost money, stuff that costs money, and activities that cost money.  But do your kids know the value of money and your values about money?

The values that you place on money may not match your actions.  Unless you connect the two for your t(w)eens, they won’t make the connection themselves.  Take for example the role of cash.  It used to be that a child would learn the value of money very simply.  If he had cash, he had money.  If he ran out of cash, he was out of money.  Today, credit and debit cards don’t show how much is represented.  Checks are also written representations of some amount of hidden money.  Direct deposit from many employers goes unseen into the account.  In fact, some adults can go days, weeks, or even months without using cash.  Hopefully you keep track of your balance, whether in a check register or some other way.  But do you have your t(w)eens help you track your finances?

T(w)eenage Parenting #1: Teaching Commitment

Tweens have it tough these days.  The transition to middle school is an absolute culture shock, with completely new peer groups, teachers, amounts of homework, and opportunities to try new things.  Add to this all of the physical changes that their bodies are going through, and you’ve got a very confused, overstressed teen on your hands.  Additionally, parents expect more out of teens around the house.  That means more chores, taking care of younger siblings, and many other things. 

As they transition from childhood into adolescence, tweens become aware of the vast amount of opportunities available to them.  They have also seemed to develop a clear voice about what they like and they don’t like.  Tweens seem to use that voice at its maximum volume to tell you the things that they don’t like.  This can lead to arguments about attending family events, completing chores, or sticking with an activity.