T(w)eenage Parenting #16: Anger is your t(w)een’s middle name (Part One)

You aren’t crazy.  Your t(w)een is overreacting to everything, doesn’t respect anything you say or do, and seems to know everything.  Nothing that you can say or do that is right, you never know what the reaction is going to be, and you even start to mistrust your own judgment.  When you question your own sanity, something needs to change.

It’s biology’s fault

The good news is that your t(w)een is not (entirely) choosing to act this way.  Researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA conducted a study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to compare how teens and adults process emotions.  The results showed that adults processed emotions in the frontal cortex region of the brain, which is roughly the size of an adult’s fist. Teens, however, processed emotions in the amygdala, which is roughly almond-sized. This difference is significant because of the roles that these two brain structures play in a fully developed human brain.

The frontal cortex is responsible for executive functioning.  This is the part of the brain responsible for guiding intelligent thoughts, actions, and emotions.  It is also responsible for inhibiting inappropriate thoughts, actions, feelings, and distractions.  The pre-frontal cortex occupies a larger percentage of the human brain than in any other mammal.  This is one of the last sections of the entire body to develop and may not be fully functioning until the age of twenty-five. Comparatively, the amygdala is part of the limbic system, which is a set of brain structures shared by mammals and reptiles and is primarily used in the storage of memories. It also assists in the processing of internal emotions and their of others—especially anger and aggression.   Until the frontal cortex is fully developed, the amygdala takes on some of its responsibilities.

In other words, your t(w)een’s brain is overloading a very small structure with the responsibilities intended for something much larger.  Additionally, the specialty of this small structure is anger and aggression—so when it becomes overloaded, there is likely to be an oncoming outburst. Reactions, not rational thought, guide this area of the brain.

“I knew my t(w)een wasn’t all there!”

This isn’t to say that your t(w)een isn’t responsible for the angry reactions. Just because biology gives t(w)eens a disadvantage doesn’t mean that they are pardoned for their erratic moods and behaviors.  It does mean that parents need to have a little bit of understanding when it comes to responding to their t(w)eens’ reactions. Always remember that you are the adult in charge, which means that you are the one who is responsible for being the mature person in the room.

The struggle that many parents encounter is the activation of their own amygdala.  When presented with an angry person (including one’s own child), the brain activates the “fight or flight” response in the limbic system.  In this scenario, the limbic system is telling the body to prepare to fight or run away.  As adults, the frontal cortex will override the amygdala, but not before that initial urge to engage your t(w)een’s anger.  Responding in a cool and collected manner will encourage your t(w)een to calm down as well.  In these events, you want to encourage appropriate communication, and the most effective way to do that is to model the appropriate tone and volume.  If you respond by yelling and screaming, you are giving your t(w)een the permission to do the same.

You also need to be aware of placing too much attention on angry behaviors.  Nagging a t(w)een will lead to resentment and frustration, while focusing on what is being done correctly will emphasize appropriate behaviors for the future. Creating a positive environment will lead to more positive behaviors from everyone involved.

Feelings aren’t a bad thing

One mistake that many parents make is encouraging their children to not be angry.  This is probably one of the least productive things that can be said to a t(w)een, for a variety of reasons. The thought behind this is, “If the t(w)een doesn’t get angry, then he won’t act out, and then he won’t get into trouble.” However, this does not work.

First of all, it is not the feelings that are bad, it is the behaviors that are associated with the feelings that are the cause for trouble. What many parents are not able to explain clearly, is that the t(w)een can be angry and that there is an appropriate way to express that anger.  Typically, parents don’t recognize an appropriate anger reaction, which can then lead to the build-up of more anger and a bigger anger explosion. Make it a practice to listen to your t(w)eens’ views (even if they are about you) and validate their viewpoints, even if you disagree with them. To do it appropriately, it should sound like a summary of what you have just been told, “I hear that you are angry that I won’t let you stay out with your friends on Friday night.” You don’t have to agree with their viewpoints, but validating their ideas will help move things along in the conversation.

Second, the “Don’t be angry” message invalidates a t(w)een’s perceptions of the world. This message implicitly tells a t(w)een, “You are wrong. Stop being you.” T(w)eens are already insecure enough about everything that is going on in their lives; they are unsure about their roles socially and personally, and they want to be seen as productive and perfect. This message undermines all of the things that they are trying to be, tells them to stop developing their own viewpoints, and doesn’t give them anything to do instead. You always want to encourage your t(w)een with things that can be done in place of their outbursts, such as cooling off by themselves rather than screaming at you.

Lastly, the “Don’t get angry” message doesn’t necessarily look at the whole picture. While you may be trying to address the earliest stage in the anger process, you may fail to look at what is causing the anger in the first place. Finding solutions to the anger-causing problems will consistently produce the best and longest-lasting results. For example, a t(w)een who is overwhelmed by not having enough time to complete homework, while another t(w)een may be getting angry at perceiving being treated differently than other siblings in the house. In both of these cases, either by changing the schedule or by changing the treatment of the children in the house, it sets up the t(w)een to be less likely to direct anger inappropriately.

Not all anger needs to be addressed

Without the anger-management skills that come with maturity and experience, we can expect t(w)eens to express their anger in many different ways. One of the more common ways that t(w)eens express anger is through passive-aggressive comments or actions, such as mumbling under their breath, rolling their eyes, or stomping around the house. While not the most pleasant behaviors to be around, these particular behaviors are ways of letting the anger out a little bit at a time. You could choose to make an issue out of each of these little steps, but you would do so at the risk of creating a bigger explosion. If the phrase, “Pick your battles” comes to mind, this are the situations where it applies the most. The time to address these behaviors is when they are occurring in public or in front of guests.

When you do decide to address anger, make sure that you do so in a consistent manner. If you haphazardly choose to address the expression of anger in some situations but not others, or in some of your children and not others, then you risk not having your message come across at all. The easiest way for you to do this is to set the rule and the consequence and let your t(w)een’s actions dictate the follow-up. This will teach your t(w)een responsibility without causing you all of the anxiety of preventing the rule from being broken in the first place.

The anger that must be consistently addressed is anything that involves physicality. Physical aggression is never okay and must be dealt with calmly, consistently, and appropriately. At times, this means seeking the help of a professional to identify patterns and strategies that apply specifically to that t(w)een and family. It may be difficult to convince your t(w)een to accept help, but it is a small price to pay when people’s safety is involved.

T(w)eenage Parenting #15: Back to School

It is time for one of the most joyous times of the year for many parents: the days when your t(w)een goes back to school and has to be dealt with by somebody else for seven solid hours out of the day! Unfortunately, it also means the return of arguing, whining, nagging, and eye-rolling—and that’s just on your end.  There are also the hours of homework, sports and instrument practice, socialization, and family time that must be arranged around this new schedule.  Most parents look at the weeks before school and recite the same chorus that has been sung through the ages: THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT!

Is it really?

What is it that you are going to do to make this year different? Were you successful in making last year different from the one before that? Who is making the decision on what to change and who is the most motivated to make the changes permanent?

One of the most common changes that parents implement at this time of year is “getting back into the habit of bedtime”.  As adults, we see this as a time to help the body get into the habit of sleeping and waking so that mornings won’t involve so much crankiness and the first weeks of school won’t be so much of a shock.  However, t(w)eens seemingly see this as a final assault on the perceived freedoms allowed by the last weeks of summer vacation.  While this does sort of practice does not seem like it is fruitful during the practice week, it does make the first week of school somewhat less tense for everybody involved—even if there is still a struggle to get everyone out of bed on time.

I bring up this practice of sleeping and waking because it highlights how to measure success.  No matter how well you and your t(w)een practice bedtimes, a part of you knows that there will be mornings during the first weeks of school when your t(w)een won’t get out of bed.  Even if your t(w)een gets out of bed on time most days, parents have a tendency to be  biased in their thoughts and arguments based on the more emotionally charged events that occur.  In these cases, the one day that your t(w)een oversleeps, the ensuing argument will be more emotional and more memorable, making it seem as if your t(w)een always oversleeps.

But my t(w)een oversleeps all the time!

Your t(w)een may oversleep a lot, but I’m sure that your t(w)een has a different opinion. This is why it is important to make sure you set clear, specific goals so both you and your t(w)een understand the desired outcomes.  It is much easier to set vague goals, but in order to know if you are succeeding, you need to have some idea of what success looks like.  If the goal is for your t(w)een to do better at waking up in the morning, what exactly does better look like?  Your t(w)een may think that getting up in the morning is going better because he hasn’t received any tardies, but you may think that things are going horribly because you are having to stop back at the school later in the day to drop off all of the belonging that he didn’t have time to prepare on his way out the door.

However, having set concrete goals allows for you and your t(w)een to easily see just how much success you are having.  Rather than a goal of “doing better”, try being more specific by having a goal of “being out of bed, dressed, and to the breakfast table by 6:30”.  In the second example, there is little room for argument on whether or not the goal is met.  The room for interpretation is removed and there is one less thing to argue about during the morning rush.

It is also important to make sure that your goal is reasonable.  This means that you want to make sure that outside factors aren’t going to sabotage the chances of success. Does your t(w)een have practice until 9:00 p.m. most nights? Then it may not  be fair to have super high expectations for productivity in the mornings.  Use your best judgment in these cases.

Setting the goals

Now that you have an idea of how to be specific and reasonable, you are all ready to begin setting goals, right?  Not so fast! You’re t(w)een isn’t there with you. One of the mistakes that many parents make at this time of year is setting goals without asking for any input from their t(w)eens.  What are goals without their input? In your t(w)een’s eyes, these are just more rules to follow, complain about, or ignore altogether.

This isn’t to say that you should leave the goal-setting entirely up to your t(w)een.  The point is to start a conversation about making improvements or being successful during the school year.  Properly set goals can inspire, challenge, and motivate anyone to reach their highest levels of achievement. It helps most families to have specific areas to focus their goals.  These may be good starting points:

-What are your goals for grades this year?

-What are your goals for organization (backpack, room, locker, etc…)?

-What are your goals for extracurricular activities?

While these are just a few areas, you can certainly come up with many more.  Since this is the beginning of the conversation, this is also the time when you can give some of your own input.

It is only fair for the whole family to join in and set goals. If you, as the parents, exclude yourselves from this process, you can expect very little follow through from your tweens.  Each person can have individual goals for the year, and I also encourage that goals are set for the entire family, too.  These goals may take the form of, “Everyone home and doing an activity together on Wednesday nights at 7:00” or “TV is off during mealtimes.”

Setting the goals is only the beginning—you must also make sure that you are measuring your progress and celebrating your successes.  When you are setting your goals, make sure that you schedule regular times to review your progress.  Think of how well you’ve done on reaching your New Year’s Resolution.  If you haven’t checked your progress lately, chances are you haven’t kept your resolution.  T(w)eens are even worse at keeping long-term goals in mind, so it takes some extra responsibility on your part to help them develop this skill. By following through, you’re getting rid of the excuses to not succeed.  Once you and your t(w)eens reach your goals, make a big deal about the accomplishment and celebrate your successes!

Other considerations

In addition to setting goals about home and school, you may want to consider using this time of year as an opportunity to talk about growth in other areas of life.  Your t(w)een’s identity is not entirely based on school success, so all of the goals shouldn’t focus just on this one area.  Be prepared and respectful of any goals that your t(w)een may bring up that may not be tied directly to academics.

Furthermore, you may want to come up with goals that are tied to more abstract concepts.  Your t(w)een may be expressing a desire for more independence, but may not necessarily know how to ask for it—other than those times when your t(w)een is yelling that you “always tell them what to do”. This is a good time to open a discussion about the behaviors you expect in order for your t(w)een to earn more independence, such as completing daily chores and nightly homework without having to be reminded.

When it comes to supporting your t(w)een in reaching these goals, it is important that you first provide emotional support, but don’t be so quick to jump in and offer more direct support.  It is important for you to ask questions about your t(w)een’s thought processes and satisfaction in their progress toward their goals, but letting your t(w)een struggle to will help teach self-reliance and will build more self-satisfaction when the goal is completed. You also want to be careful not to undermine your t(w)een by jumping in and doing the work yourself.

It’s also developmentally normal and healthy for t(w)een interests and ideas to change quickly, so be aware that goals may change.  Use your best judgment on which goals need to be maintained for the entire year, and which ones you can let change from week to week. Overemphasizing commitment can interfere with finding a self-identity—which is the biggest developmental goal for t(w)eens. Encourage your t(w)een to stick with the things that they are good at to make it clear that those activities are worthwhile.

T(w)eenage Parenting #13: Tween Dating

A parent of a 12-year-old suggested that I write an article on how to handle her son’s recent desire to start dating.  She expressed that she did not necessarily know of any good resources to help her talk with her son about the issues that surround dating, such as what “dating” means, healthy boundaries, sexuality, and the inevitable break-ups that will occur.  During my research for this newsletter, I found a lot of contradicting advice coming from a lot of different resources—including some information from people that are posing as professionals.  Based on the large amount of information and the very different developmental maturities involved, I have decided that I am going to approach the topic of dating based on two separate age groups: tweens (through middle school) and teens (high school).

What is tween dating?

Dating for tweens may start innocently enough.  Agreeing to “go out” with someone provides an opportunity to try out adult-like roles that are becoming more and more present in marketing that is directed to tweens.  Even though most tweens are not emotionally capable of handling a dating relationship, many aspire to be in these relationships.  A 2008 study by the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) and TRU (a youth-market research firm) and funded Liz Claiborne, Inc. revealed that half of tweens between the ages of 11-14 say they have been in a dating relationship.   Additionally, 60% thought that parents should allow tweens to date.  The striking thing about this research is that it is conducted and funded by companies that influence the future marketing to this age demographic.  You can bet that the marketing people used this information to have TV shows and commercials place tween actors into dating situations.

 Today, “dating” is actually a term used as a social safetynet for tweens.  It provides the safety of appearing more grown-up to peers without the risk of being teased for “liking” someone.  The vast majority of tweens believe that dating someone means saying “I like you” directly to someone, holding hands, or sending dozens of text messages to each other on a daily basis.  For most tweens, “dating” serves as a way to develop a deeper emotional friendship.

They don’t even talk

Many tween dating relationships happen through digital media.  This can mean messages through Facebook or through texting, which many tweens see as being just as important in relationship development as actually talking to someone.  In fact, some tween “couples” may not even know how to talk to each other in person.  A February article in The Wall Street Journal described a 14-year-old couple that were “more than friends” who would send each other over 300 text messages a day, but were socially awkward around each other and couldn’t maintain a conversation.  While this type of relationship may sound innocent enough, it does lend itself to the possibility of the relationship turning into one that includes sexting—where sexually explicit messages and pictures are sent back and forth. 

The digital relationships are also ripe for break-ups being handled poorly.  Not only is it possible to receive a text message that disintegrates the relationship, but the aftermath can be devastating, too.  After a break-up, a jilted tween can take to Facebook, Twitter, or any of the various other social  media to spread rumors and gossips about their ex.  With so many tweens connected through these media platforms, the rumors can be spread much more quickly than many parents ever imagined.  This type of gossip can quickly turn peer groups inside out and against one another, can lead to cyberbullying, and can lead a tween being outcast or rejected at school the following day.  Depending on the nature of the situation, the peers may even know the news before the tween!

Fears for parents

Knowing that tweens are emotionally unprepared for dating, parents fear that the relationships will turn into sexual relationships as well.  Many parents don’t want to face the idea that their tween is developing sexually any earlier than necessary.  After all, the same child that still needs to be walked across a busy street can’t possibly be ready for sex, right?

Data on this issue can be troubling. The same 2008 survey by  NDVH and TRU revealed that 28% of kids between the ages off 11 and 14 believe that oral sex and intercourse are expected in a dating relationship. Nearly 10% of those tweens reported that they had gone further than kissing or making out.  More than a third in the survey reported that they knew of friends who had been pressured by a dating partner to “do things that they didn’t want.”  Rates of verbal abuse in the relationships are also reported to be above 40%, which generally starts as name calling, but progresses into more controlling behaviors over time.

That’s it! No dating!

Dating at earlier ages leads to experimenting with sex at earlier ages.  Johanna Wright, a health teacher in New Jersey, stated, “What parents don’t understand is these kids are experimenting with things in middle school that their parents did when they were in college.  Kids are seeing things on TV and on the internet and acting them out. We are experiencing a sexual revolution and it’s only getting worse.”  She reports that she is counseling younger and younger children who have contracted STDs and are engaging in sexual behaviors, sometimes even at school.

The natural instinct of most parents would be to not allow their tweens to date at all.  However, this may be counterproductive, especially if your tween is already dating.  If you only say no, your tween may learn how to date behind your back.  In these situations, you will be seen as someone who cannot be approached with questions about dating, the opposite gender, and sexuality.  This leaves the primary sources of information to be TV, the internet, and equally misinformed peers. It also increases the likelihood that a tween will engage in riskier behaviors, such as vandalizing property or trying drugs.

What do I do?

The best way for you to make sure that your tweens get the information that you want them to get about dating and sexuality is to be the one who provides them with that information.  For the most part, health classes don’t cover dating and sexuality until long after tweens have been exposed to media messages about dating and sexuality.  I frequently see parents who express a denial about their tweens’ development and refuse to talk about dating, yet their children have no problem reciting the lyrics to Rihanna’s S & M.

It’s important to know that your first reactions to your tweens’ initial interest in dating can set the tone for how much will be shared with you in the future.  You will find the most, long-term success in setting boundaries around dating if you are responsive to your tweens’ views.  This means that rather than giving a lecture about why you feel that your tweens shouldn’t date, you should have a conversation (where you both talk and listen to each other) about what dating means and what are acceptable dating behaviors.  You may be surprised by how much or little your tweens know about dating and sexuality, which may be difficult for you.  However, this is a time for you to model for your tween that this is a topic that you will be open to discussing with them in grown up ways.

It’s also important to make sure that you don’t have just one conversation about dating and sexuality with your tweens.  This is something that gets more complex as your tweens get older. One initial conversation won’t necessarily be something that is remembered when you aren’t standing there with them.  After all, if you need to tell your tweens to clean their rooms ten times before they do it, imagine how many times you will need to talk with them about the important things in life.

Lastly, don’t wait for your tween to come to you with questions about dating and sexuality.  They already feel embarrassment about their changing bodies and social lives, and coming to you with more shortcomings can be daunting.  It isn’t likely that your tweens will be eager to have these conversations with you, much like it’s probably not easy to start these conversations yourself.  Either way, start talking before it’s too late.

T(w)eenage Parenting #12: No Bull

Over the weekend, I had the opportunity to see the documentary Bully.  This movie examines the effects of bullying on five families across the United States, and the responses of the surrounding communities to their particular situations.  The message of the movie is incredible and has rightly sparked a growing conversation about bullying in our country.

We’re failing our kids

Jon Pease, the founder and director of the non-profit Not-the-Target reports that only 4% of bullying is witnessed by adults, which means that 96% goes unseen.  “If our children only receive 4% on their tests, we would be giving them every intervention imaginable,” he says, “unfortunately, there’s nothing holding adults to the same level of responsibility.”

Even for t(w)eens that muster the courage to turn to an adult, they are often not met with understanding or care. In Bully, one target of bullying is forced by the principal to shake hands with a student that has been bullying him.  When the target refuses, the principal attempts to convince him that he is as bad as the aggressor for not moving past the events.  At other points in the movie, the principal openly placates parents who come for help in dealing with bullying issues for their special needs child.  She also goes on to guarantee, much to the dismay of the parents, that the school cannot do much to protect their son.

The targets of bullying most likely have asked for help from an adult in the past and did not receive it.  The expected response to bullying should be that a parent intervenes by going to the school or directly to the parents of the bully.  When these steps don’t produce the desired outcomes, great parents continue to make noise until change is seen by going to higher levels of the school administration.

However, many parents and adults are at a loss when it comes to dealing with chronic bullying.  Not only do they not know what to do or say, but they can give advice that is ineffective or puts their t(w)eens in even more danger than before.  It’s after things become more dangerous that many parents start to realize how bad things have been for their t(w)eens.  Unfortunately, their t(w)eens have often already decided that their parents aren’t much help with these issues.

Advice that we give

Some of the advice that parents give is good—but only in certain situations.  When t(w)eens come for help with bullies, often the first advice that is given is to, “Just ignore it.”  This advice may be practical for instances of verbal teasing during the early processes of bullying, but it’s an all encompassing approach to dealing with a bully, especially when there are instances of  physical bullying.  The distinction between ignoring verbal teasing and getting help needs to be made to all t(w)eens, along with positive steps to be safe in the future.

One of the steps that often goes overlooked by parents is talking with our t(w)eens is about avoiding the bully.  Often times, adults give the message that bullies “like the person” being targeted or that the target should try and friend the bully.  When bullying has reached the point of being physical, t(w)eens should be taught not to try and friend the bully.  Much of the bullies strength comes from the attention that they receive.  By not giving them the chance for attention, it shifts the power dynamic more into the favor of the target.

Most importantly, t(w)eens should be encouraged to go to at least three different adults to report bullying.  If the first one doesn’t respond, then they should go to the next one.  If that one doesn’t respond, go to the next one.  Targets of bullying often feel alone in their troubles, which often contributes to them not seeking out help because they feel that nobody understands what they are going through.  By going to three adults, it improves the odds that somebody will respond. 

Nobody understands

T(w)eens may be saying, “Nobody understands what I’m going through,” but what they usually mean is that “Nobody is listening to my experience.”  Many adults jump into these conversations with statements like: “Bullying happens to everyone,” “It’s part of growing up,” or “Stand up for yourself.”  At best, these statements are dismissive about the nature of what your t(w)eens are experiencing.  At worst, these messages encourage a t(w)eens to physically put themselves into dangerous situations. 

The unfortunate thing about this last message is that it is perpetuated repeatedly by Hollywood.  Remember in Back to the Future when George McFly punches the bully during the prom? If you’ve seen the movie, you know that this moment changed the course of all of the characters in the movie franchise.  What the movie left out was that the next day, Biff and his friends would have come back to exact their revenge.  Bullying is, by definition, chronic.  A one time attack wouldn’t change the usual pattern between the aggressors and targets.

When an adults dismiss their t(w)eens experience, it discourages the t(w)eens from wanting to open up in the future. T(w)eens really want their experience validated without judgment.  This means listening to what they have experienced and resisting your urge to jump in to fix the problems.  Your t(w)eens have feelings based on tough situations and need to know that you are a safe person to whom those feelings can be expressed.  Regardless of your previous experiences, your best course of action is to show that you are willing to listen.

The next step is to encourage your t(w)eens to come up with solutions for the problem.  Again, you need to be able to listen without judgment, even if some of the ideas are impossible or ridiculous.  By doing this, you are not only continuing to validate their experience, but you are also encouraging your t(w)eens to develop problem-solving skills.  You can help your t(w)eens follow up on the solutions that require the assistance of an adult.  This is also the point in time when you can offer solutions.

Crowd control

The message of Bully is that bullying is a problem and something needs to be done about it.  It’s a documentary that is doing its part to start a much needed conversation about a very serious topic. However, the movie isn’t very explicit about how bullying should be addressed.  The message that needs to stated more clearly is that the witnesses and bystanders hold much of the responsibility in the bullying process. 

In the bullying process, bystanders have the power to encourage the bully, stop the bully, or to get help from an adult.  An important step for parents and schools is to encourage the bystanders and witnesses to get help and not to fall silent.  Many t(w)eens feel that by coming forward that they will become the bully’s next target, which can be true in some instances.  However, by working with t(w)eens and schools to create an environment where the witnesses are encouraged to come forward to a safe adult, it will help to break the cycle.  But everyone, especially the adults in the school, needs to understand that these students are not tattling, but are actually trying to stop a chronic problem.  One idea is to create a “Bully Box” where students can anonymously drop a piece of paper with dates, times, locations, and the names of students who are involved in bullying.  School officials can then review the students’ names that appear in the box, especially those whose names appear repeatedly.

Targeting the targets

Dan Olweus, considered to be the grandfather of anti-bullying research, advocates that the targets of bullying shouldn’t be made to feel like they did anything wrong.  Unfortunately, many anti-bullying campaigns take this out of context and don’t encourage any interventions with the targets.  The hurt experienced by the targets is very real and needs to be addressed to help work on skills that can stop the cycle of bullying.  Empowering the targets with social skills, esteem building, and practical help will help them to not only be resistant to the bullies in their lives now, but also with any bullies that they may encounter in the future.

T(w)eenage Parenting #11: How Rude

A Scene From Every T(w)een Home In America

A t(w)een enters his house after school, throws his backpack on the floor, kicks his shoes in the opposite direction, falls onto the couch and flips on the TV.  The parent asks about his day at school and if he has any homework.  The t(w)een sighs, scoffs, rolls his eyes, and pulls out his phone to text his friend.  Again, the parent asks about the school day, when the t(w)een yells, “Shut up! I’m trying to watch TV!"

Some of the most joyous moments of a parent’s life come when her child says his magical first words.  Most parents are unable to think far enough into the future to realize that someday, that very same child will use that ability to speak out against them.  Inevitably, the day comes when your t(w)een talks back, talks over you, rolls his eyes, or otherwise ignores you.  Once the initial shock subsides, you are often at a loss for what to say and do next.  You may even start to second-guess your parenting skills. 

Where Does This Come From?

Many influences can lead to a t(w)een’s sassiness and rude behaviors.  Some are hormonal and biological, some are social and societal, and others can be related to you and your family.  Identifying patterns in these behaviors can help you determine the cause, and ultimately a way to address them so that they don’t continue.

The t(w)een years are the start of a host of hormonal changes that promote the physical growth of the body and nervous system. As t(w)eens grow, their emotions are often more difficult to manage due to these hormonal changes.  This is also a period when t(w)eens start to experience new emotions, such as hurt and judgment.  Biological changes also create new patterns of sleeping, which is often seen as t(w)eens starting to stay up later and, consequently, want to sleep in later.  Not getting enough rest can contribute to t(w)eens’ irritability and ability to handle stress.

Although a biological cause explains some of the behavioral changes, social and societal contributions are present as well.  A t(w)een is often expected to be fully engaged for an entire school day.  Not only is there the expectation to pay attention in class, but there is also a pressure to be fully engaged with peers between classes, during lunch, and after school.  Getting along with teachers and peers while learning can be exhausting, which means that by the end of the day, the t(w)een has little patience left emotionally.

Societal messages also teach t(w)eens that parents and adults are inept and don’t have a clue.  Consider movies like Home Alone or Transformers or spend some time watching The Disney Channel with your t(w)eens.  Inevitably, you will see adults portrayed as clueless know-nothings that must be saved by know-it-all kids.  These messages may not be as obvious to your t(w)eens, but these are only a few examples of many that bombard your t(w)eens every single day.

Parents might also want to consider the family environment and the examples set at home.  Does your family consider puns and sarcasm to be acceptable?  While it may not be easy to admit, your own snarky behaviors can be setting an unwanted example for your t(w)eens.  By being sarcastic yourself, you set the model for expected behaviors by your children.  This can hold true whether you say witty things to be funny or snap at people when you are stressed or are having a bad day.

Lastly, these behaviors may be one of the many ways that t(w)eens start to assert their individual identities.  In the cases of rudeness, the behaviors can be an assertion of independence, or it can be a sign of that something is bothering them or making them feel insufficient.  Either way, the backtalk serves as a way to emotionally distance themselves and avoid having to face those difficult feelings. Depending on the maturity of your t(w)eens, this may or may not be done by choice.

Is My T(w)een Really Going To Be Like Me?

Your t(w)een follows your example.  If you are going to be sarcastic, rude, and dismissive, you can bet that your t(w)een will also be sarcastic, rude, and dismissive.  Many people (parents included) fall into a trap of relationship laziness, where preoccupations and chores get in the way of taking the time to listen to others.  Often, the first casualties of this trap are family members, for the simple reason that these people have to deal with you, in good times and in bad.

On the other hand, the best way to raise respectful t(w)eens is to be respectful yourself.  Show your child that you are capable of being nice to other people even when you are stressed.  Rather than barking an order to your t(w)een, ask her politely.  You can even set the example of apologizing for when you have addressed others in impolite ways.

Should I Ignore The Bad Behaviors?

Rude behaviors should not be ignored.  As your t(w)een asserts her independence from you, she will be spending more time with peers.  While this may mean a break for you, it doesn’t change the way that she treats others.  Her peer groups aren’t going to correct her sassiness.  If anything, they will stop associating with her.  Then you are left having to deal with a rude, friendless t(w)een.  Addressing rude behaviors not only ensures that she will continue to have good peer relations, but will also help her to develop solid communication skills that will help her to develop good relationships in her work environments later in life. Incredibly, these rude behaviors aren’t just temporary but may be permanent if left unaddressed.

As with most behavioral changes, it is necessary to not only address the negative behaviors, but also to teach and encourage positive behaviors that can be used instead.  It is important to address the rude behaviors as they come up, and address them consistently.  This consistency means not only in responding to the behaviors directed toward you, but also in the ones that are directed toward others.  Once you have identified the behaviors, have your t(w)een respond with the correct politeness instead.  It should go without saying, but don’t tolerate saccharine sarcasm as a response.

I Know It, But I Can’t Explain It

Adjusting a rude tweens' behavior is worth the effort because it is much easier than trying to change the behaviors of your adult children.  To make things easier, prepare your t(w)een with the types of changes that you want to see occur.  You’ll want to focus on things that include tone of voice, using manner words, asking and not demanding, listening, and using the “I” message.  The “I” message encourages people to talk about their experience rather than blaming others, and basically can be stated as, “I feel _____ when you ____,” rather than, “You always make me angry!”  To start, prioritize which behaviors are most important for you to change and address the other ones later. Many parents first address back talk or walking away during conversations, then proceed to address smaller behaviors such as eye-rolling.

Just as important is to teach your t(w)een how to ask for space to calm down.  While it may seem obvious to you that your son could use a few minutes to cool down, it may not be as clear to him.  In most cases, these situations result in someone yelling and storming out of the room. Ideally, you will model this yourself, so your tween learns to say, “I need a few minutes to calm down by myself.”  In order to make sure that you are not allowing your t(w)een to avoid an argument, set a time when you will address this with him again (i.e. after dinner, in 30 minutes, etc.).

Encourage? Stickers Don’t Work Anymore

T(w)eens develop new interests and can’t be swayed by earning stickers toward a prize as easily.  As your child turns into a t(w)een, you should be changing your parenting style to accommodate for this.  You may have to pull out the things that used to be considered “the big guns.” Rewards could be sleepovers, shopping, or a day off from chores.

When your t(w)een stops responding to previous interventions, he is ready to accept more serious consequences for his misbehaviors. Acceptable consequences can include being grounded, loss of access to TV, and losing privileges for special events—especially those involving friends. While it may make you unpopular in the short term, your efforts will be rewarded with a polite tween and respectful adult.