T(w)eenage Parenting #15: Back to School

It is time for one of the most joyous times of the year for many parents: the days when your t(w)een goes back to school and has to be dealt with by somebody else for seven solid hours out of the day! Unfortunately, it also means the return of arguing, whining, nagging, and eye-rolling—and that’s just on your end.  There are also the hours of homework, sports and instrument practice, socialization, and family time that must be arranged around this new schedule.  Most parents look at the weeks before school and recite the same chorus that has been sung through the ages: THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT!

Is it really?

What is it that you are going to do to make this year different? Were you successful in making last year different from the one before that? Who is making the decision on what to change and who is the most motivated to make the changes permanent?

One of the most common changes that parents implement at this time of year is “getting back into the habit of bedtime”.  As adults, we see this as a time to help the body get into the habit of sleeping and waking so that mornings won’t involve so much crankiness and the first weeks of school won’t be so much of a shock.  However, t(w)eens seemingly see this as a final assault on the perceived freedoms allowed by the last weeks of summer vacation.  While this does sort of practice does not seem like it is fruitful during the practice week, it does make the first week of school somewhat less tense for everybody involved—even if there is still a struggle to get everyone out of bed on time.

I bring up this practice of sleeping and waking because it highlights how to measure success.  No matter how well you and your t(w)een practice bedtimes, a part of you knows that there will be mornings during the first weeks of school when your t(w)een won’t get out of bed.  Even if your t(w)een gets out of bed on time most days, parents have a tendency to be  biased in their thoughts and arguments based on the more emotionally charged events that occur.  In these cases, the one day that your t(w)een oversleeps, the ensuing argument will be more emotional and more memorable, making it seem as if your t(w)een always oversleeps.

But my t(w)een oversleeps all the time!

Your t(w)een may oversleep a lot, but I’m sure that your t(w)een has a different opinion. This is why it is important to make sure you set clear, specific goals so both you and your t(w)een understand the desired outcomes.  It is much easier to set vague goals, but in order to know if you are succeeding, you need to have some idea of what success looks like.  If the goal is for your t(w)een to do better at waking up in the morning, what exactly does better look like?  Your t(w)een may think that getting up in the morning is going better because he hasn’t received any tardies, but you may think that things are going horribly because you are having to stop back at the school later in the day to drop off all of the belonging that he didn’t have time to prepare on his way out the door.

However, having set concrete goals allows for you and your t(w)een to easily see just how much success you are having.  Rather than a goal of “doing better”, try being more specific by having a goal of “being out of bed, dressed, and to the breakfast table by 6:30”.  In the second example, there is little room for argument on whether or not the goal is met.  The room for interpretation is removed and there is one less thing to argue about during the morning rush.

It is also important to make sure that your goal is reasonable.  This means that you want to make sure that outside factors aren’t going to sabotage the chances of success. Does your t(w)een have practice until 9:00 p.m. most nights? Then it may not  be fair to have super high expectations for productivity in the mornings.  Use your best judgment in these cases.

Setting the goals

Now that you have an idea of how to be specific and reasonable, you are all ready to begin setting goals, right?  Not so fast! You’re t(w)een isn’t there with you. One of the mistakes that many parents make at this time of year is setting goals without asking for any input from their t(w)eens.  What are goals without their input? In your t(w)een’s eyes, these are just more rules to follow, complain about, or ignore altogether.

This isn’t to say that you should leave the goal-setting entirely up to your t(w)een.  The point is to start a conversation about making improvements or being successful during the school year.  Properly set goals can inspire, challenge, and motivate anyone to reach their highest levels of achievement. It helps most families to have specific areas to focus their goals.  These may be good starting points:

-What are your goals for grades this year?

-What are your goals for organization (backpack, room, locker, etc…)?

-What are your goals for extracurricular activities?

While these are just a few areas, you can certainly come up with many more.  Since this is the beginning of the conversation, this is also the time when you can give some of your own input.

It is only fair for the whole family to join in and set goals. If you, as the parents, exclude yourselves from this process, you can expect very little follow through from your tweens.  Each person can have individual goals for the year, and I also encourage that goals are set for the entire family, too.  These goals may take the form of, “Everyone home and doing an activity together on Wednesday nights at 7:00” or “TV is off during mealtimes.”

Setting the goals is only the beginning—you must also make sure that you are measuring your progress and celebrating your successes.  When you are setting your goals, make sure that you schedule regular times to review your progress.  Think of how well you’ve done on reaching your New Year’s Resolution.  If you haven’t checked your progress lately, chances are you haven’t kept your resolution.  T(w)eens are even worse at keeping long-term goals in mind, so it takes some extra responsibility on your part to help them develop this skill. By following through, you’re getting rid of the excuses to not succeed.  Once you and your t(w)eens reach your goals, make a big deal about the accomplishment and celebrate your successes!

Other considerations

In addition to setting goals about home and school, you may want to consider using this time of year as an opportunity to talk about growth in other areas of life.  Your t(w)een’s identity is not entirely based on school success, so all of the goals shouldn’t focus just on this one area.  Be prepared and respectful of any goals that your t(w)een may bring up that may not be tied directly to academics.

Furthermore, you may want to come up with goals that are tied to more abstract concepts.  Your t(w)een may be expressing a desire for more independence, but may not necessarily know how to ask for it—other than those times when your t(w)een is yelling that you “always tell them what to do”. This is a good time to open a discussion about the behaviors you expect in order for your t(w)een to earn more independence, such as completing daily chores and nightly homework without having to be reminded.

When it comes to supporting your t(w)een in reaching these goals, it is important that you first provide emotional support, but don’t be so quick to jump in and offer more direct support.  It is important for you to ask questions about your t(w)een’s thought processes and satisfaction in their progress toward their goals, but letting your t(w)een struggle to will help teach self-reliance and will build more self-satisfaction when the goal is completed. You also want to be careful not to undermine your t(w)een by jumping in and doing the work yourself.

It’s also developmentally normal and healthy for t(w)een interests and ideas to change quickly, so be aware that goals may change.  Use your best judgment on which goals need to be maintained for the entire year, and which ones you can let change from week to week. Overemphasizing commitment can interfere with finding a self-identity—which is the biggest developmental goal for t(w)eens. Encourage your t(w)een to stick with the things that they are good at to make it clear that those activities are worthwhile.