In Response to the Commenters from "I am Adam Lanza's Mother"

In the wake of the tragedy in Newtown, CT, a beautiful blog titled "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" was posted by Liza Long and has been shared by many people on Facebook.  I am impressed by the outpouring of support that many of the people on my Facebook feed have shown, especially by those who have come out with their own stories about parenting a child with mental illness.  It's unfortunate that these are some of the only times that these parents will be heard because their struggles truly happen on a day-to-day basis.  Unfortunately, there seems to be a community that is also responding to this article with suggestions filled with dangerous and insensitive hate and ignorance.

The range of suggestions are downright scary and many threaten the progress that enables the freedoms that we enjoy in this country.  What these commenters are unable to see is that these are not merely children that need a spanking to "straighten them out." These are children who suffer an illness that doesn't have a cure yet. Their response when stressed isn't to think about the consequences afterward, but to react in a way that allows them out of the situation, which can include anything from screaming and yelling to hitting, biting, and attacking.  It's not a choice--it's part of the condition.  This is akin to telling a child with diabetes that if his blood sugar gets too low, he should think sweet thoughts or telling a cancer patient that he should encourage his healthy cells to do better.  I myself have worked with many families who have decided to become stricter and firmer and use stronger forms of discipline, only to realize that at some point, the child grows bigger and stronger and can't be restrained anymore.  Further, through the process, the child learns that when he gets angry, it's going to be met with physical resistance, so fighting and being angrier is the best way out of the situation.

For those commenters who suggest that the family members failed, please visit a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) meeting and listen to the families that struggle with these choices.  There is pain and guilt involved in every decision. Their lives can be dominated by trying to find answers with hours spent in the waiting rooms of therapists while their loved ones struggle themselves.  It's not a choice to have mentally ill children, siblings, or parents.  The reason that you don't hear from these family members is because of the rude reactions by the public.  Rather than taking the time to understand mental illness, many people in public are quick to make disparaging comments that call into question or shame the individuals and the family.  Day after day, it becomes easier to stay away from the public than it is to deal with the ridicule and torment.

One particularly appalling comment suggested stripping the rights and freedoms away from those with mental illness.  In the comment thread that followed, the original poster defended his rights to guns (I promise I'm not making this a gun issue) as well as suggested locking up those who have mental illnesses.  Unfortunately, we aren't that far removed from the Willowbrook State School where individuals with mental illnesses and developmental disabilities were crowded into some of the most inhumane conditions in our lifetimes--for the only reason that they were identified as being mentally ill.  For the same reasons that we retain our rights in this country, so does everyone else.  We give everyone the chance to succeed.  We don't want to push people away from mental health even further.  Making policies to criminalize mental illness will only push people who can and do receive help and success away from their therapists, medications, and treatments.  Marginalizing those who do receive treatment even further takes away the opportunities for them to succeed and contribute successfully to our society.

I can't address every type of comment on that thread, but it really boils down to a lack of awareness about mental illness and developmental disabilites. Many more details are going to emerge about Adam Lanza in the following days and weeks.  Be respectful to those who have supportive stories and take the time to listen-to actually listen to their experience-rather than offering up a suggestion about what they need.  Hopefully you never have an family member go through these struggles, but that doesn't mean that you have to take away the rights of those who do.

T(w)eenage Parenting #16: Anger is your t(w)een’s middle name (Part One)

You aren’t crazy.  Your t(w)een is overreacting to everything, doesn’t respect anything you say or do, and seems to know everything.  Nothing that you can say or do that is right, you never know what the reaction is going to be, and you even start to mistrust your own judgment.  When you question your own sanity, something needs to change.

It’s biology’s fault

The good news is that your t(w)een is not (entirely) choosing to act this way.  Researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA conducted a study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to compare how teens and adults process emotions.  The results showed that adults processed emotions in the frontal cortex region of the brain, which is roughly the size of an adult’s fist. Teens, however, processed emotions in the amygdala, which is roughly almond-sized. This difference is significant because of the roles that these two brain structures play in a fully developed human brain.

The frontal cortex is responsible for executive functioning.  This is the part of the brain responsible for guiding intelligent thoughts, actions, and emotions.  It is also responsible for inhibiting inappropriate thoughts, actions, feelings, and distractions.  The pre-frontal cortex occupies a larger percentage of the human brain than in any other mammal.  This is one of the last sections of the entire body to develop and may not be fully functioning until the age of twenty-five. Comparatively, the amygdala is part of the limbic system, which is a set of brain structures shared by mammals and reptiles and is primarily used in the storage of memories. It also assists in the processing of internal emotions and their of others—especially anger and aggression.   Until the frontal cortex is fully developed, the amygdala takes on some of its responsibilities.

In other words, your t(w)een’s brain is overloading a very small structure with the responsibilities intended for something much larger.  Additionally, the specialty of this small structure is anger and aggression—so when it becomes overloaded, there is likely to be an oncoming outburst. Reactions, not rational thought, guide this area of the brain.

“I knew my t(w)een wasn’t all there!”

This isn’t to say that your t(w)een isn’t responsible for the angry reactions. Just because biology gives t(w)eens a disadvantage doesn’t mean that they are pardoned for their erratic moods and behaviors.  It does mean that parents need to have a little bit of understanding when it comes to responding to their t(w)eens’ reactions. Always remember that you are the adult in charge, which means that you are the one who is responsible for being the mature person in the room.

The struggle that many parents encounter is the activation of their own amygdala.  When presented with an angry person (including one’s own child), the brain activates the “fight or flight” response in the limbic system.  In this scenario, the limbic system is telling the body to prepare to fight or run away.  As adults, the frontal cortex will override the amygdala, but not before that initial urge to engage your t(w)een’s anger.  Responding in a cool and collected manner will encourage your t(w)een to calm down as well.  In these events, you want to encourage appropriate communication, and the most effective way to do that is to model the appropriate tone and volume.  If you respond by yelling and screaming, you are giving your t(w)een the permission to do the same.

You also need to be aware of placing too much attention on angry behaviors.  Nagging a t(w)een will lead to resentment and frustration, while focusing on what is being done correctly will emphasize appropriate behaviors for the future. Creating a positive environment will lead to more positive behaviors from everyone involved.

Feelings aren’t a bad thing

One mistake that many parents make is encouraging their children to not be angry.  This is probably one of the least productive things that can be said to a t(w)een, for a variety of reasons. The thought behind this is, “If the t(w)een doesn’t get angry, then he won’t act out, and then he won’t get into trouble.” However, this does not work.

First of all, it is not the feelings that are bad, it is the behaviors that are associated with the feelings that are the cause for trouble. What many parents are not able to explain clearly, is that the t(w)een can be angry and that there is an appropriate way to express that anger.  Typically, parents don’t recognize an appropriate anger reaction, which can then lead to the build-up of more anger and a bigger anger explosion. Make it a practice to listen to your t(w)eens’ views (even if they are about you) and validate their viewpoints, even if you disagree with them. To do it appropriately, it should sound like a summary of what you have just been told, “I hear that you are angry that I won’t let you stay out with your friends on Friday night.” You don’t have to agree with their viewpoints, but validating their ideas will help move things along in the conversation.

Second, the “Don’t be angry” message invalidates a t(w)een’s perceptions of the world. This message implicitly tells a t(w)een, “You are wrong. Stop being you.” T(w)eens are already insecure enough about everything that is going on in their lives; they are unsure about their roles socially and personally, and they want to be seen as productive and perfect. This message undermines all of the things that they are trying to be, tells them to stop developing their own viewpoints, and doesn’t give them anything to do instead. You always want to encourage your t(w)een with things that can be done in place of their outbursts, such as cooling off by themselves rather than screaming at you.

Lastly, the “Don’t get angry” message doesn’t necessarily look at the whole picture. While you may be trying to address the earliest stage in the anger process, you may fail to look at what is causing the anger in the first place. Finding solutions to the anger-causing problems will consistently produce the best and longest-lasting results. For example, a t(w)een who is overwhelmed by not having enough time to complete homework, while another t(w)een may be getting angry at perceiving being treated differently than other siblings in the house. In both of these cases, either by changing the schedule or by changing the treatment of the children in the house, it sets up the t(w)een to be less likely to direct anger inappropriately.

Not all anger needs to be addressed

Without the anger-management skills that come with maturity and experience, we can expect t(w)eens to express their anger in many different ways. One of the more common ways that t(w)eens express anger is through passive-aggressive comments or actions, such as mumbling under their breath, rolling their eyes, or stomping around the house. While not the most pleasant behaviors to be around, these particular behaviors are ways of letting the anger out a little bit at a time. You could choose to make an issue out of each of these little steps, but you would do so at the risk of creating a bigger explosion. If the phrase, “Pick your battles” comes to mind, this are the situations where it applies the most. The time to address these behaviors is when they are occurring in public or in front of guests.

When you do decide to address anger, make sure that you do so in a consistent manner. If you haphazardly choose to address the expression of anger in some situations but not others, or in some of your children and not others, then you risk not having your message come across at all. The easiest way for you to do this is to set the rule and the consequence and let your t(w)een’s actions dictate the follow-up. This will teach your t(w)een responsibility without causing you all of the anxiety of preventing the rule from being broken in the first place.

The anger that must be consistently addressed is anything that involves physicality. Physical aggression is never okay and must be dealt with calmly, consistently, and appropriately. At times, this means seeking the help of a professional to identify patterns and strategies that apply specifically to that t(w)een and family. It may be difficult to convince your t(w)een to accept help, but it is a small price to pay when people’s safety is involved.