T(w)eenage Parenting #16: Anger is your t(w)een’s middle name (Part One)

You aren’t crazy.  Your t(w)een is overreacting to everything, doesn’t respect anything you say or do, and seems to know everything.  Nothing that you can say or do that is right, you never know what the reaction is going to be, and you even start to mistrust your own judgment.  When you question your own sanity, something needs to change.

It’s biology’s fault

The good news is that your t(w)een is not (entirely) choosing to act this way.  Researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA conducted a study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to compare how teens and adults process emotions.  The results showed that adults processed emotions in the frontal cortex region of the brain, which is roughly the size of an adult’s fist. Teens, however, processed emotions in the amygdala, which is roughly almond-sized. This difference is significant because of the roles that these two brain structures play in a fully developed human brain.

The frontal cortex is responsible for executive functioning.  This is the part of the brain responsible for guiding intelligent thoughts, actions, and emotions.  It is also responsible for inhibiting inappropriate thoughts, actions, feelings, and distractions.  The pre-frontal cortex occupies a larger percentage of the human brain than in any other mammal.  This is one of the last sections of the entire body to develop and may not be fully functioning until the age of twenty-five. Comparatively, the amygdala is part of the limbic system, which is a set of brain structures shared by mammals and reptiles and is primarily used in the storage of memories. It also assists in the processing of internal emotions and their of others—especially anger and aggression.   Until the frontal cortex is fully developed, the amygdala takes on some of its responsibilities.

In other words, your t(w)een’s brain is overloading a very small structure with the responsibilities intended for something much larger.  Additionally, the specialty of this small structure is anger and aggression—so when it becomes overloaded, there is likely to be an oncoming outburst. Reactions, not rational thought, guide this area of the brain.

“I knew my t(w)een wasn’t all there!”

This isn’t to say that your t(w)een isn’t responsible for the angry reactions. Just because biology gives t(w)eens a disadvantage doesn’t mean that they are pardoned for their erratic moods and behaviors.  It does mean that parents need to have a little bit of understanding when it comes to responding to their t(w)eens’ reactions. Always remember that you are the adult in charge, which means that you are the one who is responsible for being the mature person in the room.

The struggle that many parents encounter is the activation of their own amygdala.  When presented with an angry person (including one’s own child), the brain activates the “fight or flight” response in the limbic system.  In this scenario, the limbic system is telling the body to prepare to fight or run away.  As adults, the frontal cortex will override the amygdala, but not before that initial urge to engage your t(w)een’s anger.  Responding in a cool and collected manner will encourage your t(w)een to calm down as well.  In these events, you want to encourage appropriate communication, and the most effective way to do that is to model the appropriate tone and volume.  If you respond by yelling and screaming, you are giving your t(w)een the permission to do the same.

You also need to be aware of placing too much attention on angry behaviors.  Nagging a t(w)een will lead to resentment and frustration, while focusing on what is being done correctly will emphasize appropriate behaviors for the future. Creating a positive environment will lead to more positive behaviors from everyone involved.

Feelings aren’t a bad thing

One mistake that many parents make is encouraging their children to not be angry.  This is probably one of the least productive things that can be said to a t(w)een, for a variety of reasons. The thought behind this is, “If the t(w)een doesn’t get angry, then he won’t act out, and then he won’t get into trouble.” However, this does not work.

First of all, it is not the feelings that are bad, it is the behaviors that are associated with the feelings that are the cause for trouble. What many parents are not able to explain clearly, is that the t(w)een can be angry and that there is an appropriate way to express that anger.  Typically, parents don’t recognize an appropriate anger reaction, which can then lead to the build-up of more anger and a bigger anger explosion. Make it a practice to listen to your t(w)eens’ views (even if they are about you) and validate their viewpoints, even if you disagree with them. To do it appropriately, it should sound like a summary of what you have just been told, “I hear that you are angry that I won’t let you stay out with your friends on Friday night.” You don’t have to agree with their viewpoints, but validating their ideas will help move things along in the conversation.

Second, the “Don’t be angry” message invalidates a t(w)een’s perceptions of the world. This message implicitly tells a t(w)een, “You are wrong. Stop being you.” T(w)eens are already insecure enough about everything that is going on in their lives; they are unsure about their roles socially and personally, and they want to be seen as productive and perfect. This message undermines all of the things that they are trying to be, tells them to stop developing their own viewpoints, and doesn’t give them anything to do instead. You always want to encourage your t(w)een with things that can be done in place of their outbursts, such as cooling off by themselves rather than screaming at you.

Lastly, the “Don’t get angry” message doesn’t necessarily look at the whole picture. While you may be trying to address the earliest stage in the anger process, you may fail to look at what is causing the anger in the first place. Finding solutions to the anger-causing problems will consistently produce the best and longest-lasting results. For example, a t(w)een who is overwhelmed by not having enough time to complete homework, while another t(w)een may be getting angry at perceiving being treated differently than other siblings in the house. In both of these cases, either by changing the schedule or by changing the treatment of the children in the house, it sets up the t(w)een to be less likely to direct anger inappropriately.

Not all anger needs to be addressed

Without the anger-management skills that come with maturity and experience, we can expect t(w)eens to express their anger in many different ways. One of the more common ways that t(w)eens express anger is through passive-aggressive comments or actions, such as mumbling under their breath, rolling their eyes, or stomping around the house. While not the most pleasant behaviors to be around, these particular behaviors are ways of letting the anger out a little bit at a time. You could choose to make an issue out of each of these little steps, but you would do so at the risk of creating a bigger explosion. If the phrase, “Pick your battles” comes to mind, this are the situations where it applies the most. The time to address these behaviors is when they are occurring in public or in front of guests.

When you do decide to address anger, make sure that you do so in a consistent manner. If you haphazardly choose to address the expression of anger in some situations but not others, or in some of your children and not others, then you risk not having your message come across at all. The easiest way for you to do this is to set the rule and the consequence and let your t(w)een’s actions dictate the follow-up. This will teach your t(w)een responsibility without causing you all of the anxiety of preventing the rule from being broken in the first place.

The anger that must be consistently addressed is anything that involves physicality. Physical aggression is never okay and must be dealt with calmly, consistently, and appropriately. At times, this means seeking the help of a professional to identify patterns and strategies that apply specifically to that t(w)een and family. It may be difficult to convince your t(w)een to accept help, but it is a small price to pay when people’s safety is involved.

T(w)eenage Parenting #11: How Rude

A Scene From Every T(w)een Home In America

A t(w)een enters his house after school, throws his backpack on the floor, kicks his shoes in the opposite direction, falls onto the couch and flips on the TV.  The parent asks about his day at school and if he has any homework.  The t(w)een sighs, scoffs, rolls his eyes, and pulls out his phone to text his friend.  Again, the parent asks about the school day, when the t(w)een yells, “Shut up! I’m trying to watch TV!"

Some of the most joyous moments of a parent’s life come when her child says his magical first words.  Most parents are unable to think far enough into the future to realize that someday, that very same child will use that ability to speak out against them.  Inevitably, the day comes when your t(w)een talks back, talks over you, rolls his eyes, or otherwise ignores you.  Once the initial shock subsides, you are often at a loss for what to say and do next.  You may even start to second-guess your parenting skills. 

Where Does This Come From?

Many influences can lead to a t(w)een’s sassiness and rude behaviors.  Some are hormonal and biological, some are social and societal, and others can be related to you and your family.  Identifying patterns in these behaviors can help you determine the cause, and ultimately a way to address them so that they don’t continue.

The t(w)een years are the start of a host of hormonal changes that promote the physical growth of the body and nervous system. As t(w)eens grow, their emotions are often more difficult to manage due to these hormonal changes.  This is also a period when t(w)eens start to experience new emotions, such as hurt and judgment.  Biological changes also create new patterns of sleeping, which is often seen as t(w)eens starting to stay up later and, consequently, want to sleep in later.  Not getting enough rest can contribute to t(w)eens’ irritability and ability to handle stress.

Although a biological cause explains some of the behavioral changes, social and societal contributions are present as well.  A t(w)een is often expected to be fully engaged for an entire school day.  Not only is there the expectation to pay attention in class, but there is also a pressure to be fully engaged with peers between classes, during lunch, and after school.  Getting along with teachers and peers while learning can be exhausting, which means that by the end of the day, the t(w)een has little patience left emotionally.

Societal messages also teach t(w)eens that parents and adults are inept and don’t have a clue.  Consider movies like Home Alone or Transformers or spend some time watching The Disney Channel with your t(w)eens.  Inevitably, you will see adults portrayed as clueless know-nothings that must be saved by know-it-all kids.  These messages may not be as obvious to your t(w)eens, but these are only a few examples of many that bombard your t(w)eens every single day.

Parents might also want to consider the family environment and the examples set at home.  Does your family consider puns and sarcasm to be acceptable?  While it may not be easy to admit, your own snarky behaviors can be setting an unwanted example for your t(w)eens.  By being sarcastic yourself, you set the model for expected behaviors by your children.  This can hold true whether you say witty things to be funny or snap at people when you are stressed or are having a bad day.

Lastly, these behaviors may be one of the many ways that t(w)eens start to assert their individual identities.  In the cases of rudeness, the behaviors can be an assertion of independence, or it can be a sign of that something is bothering them or making them feel insufficient.  Either way, the backtalk serves as a way to emotionally distance themselves and avoid having to face those difficult feelings. Depending on the maturity of your t(w)eens, this may or may not be done by choice.

Is My T(w)een Really Going To Be Like Me?

Your t(w)een follows your example.  If you are going to be sarcastic, rude, and dismissive, you can bet that your t(w)een will also be sarcastic, rude, and dismissive.  Many people (parents included) fall into a trap of relationship laziness, where preoccupations and chores get in the way of taking the time to listen to others.  Often, the first casualties of this trap are family members, for the simple reason that these people have to deal with you, in good times and in bad.

On the other hand, the best way to raise respectful t(w)eens is to be respectful yourself.  Show your child that you are capable of being nice to other people even when you are stressed.  Rather than barking an order to your t(w)een, ask her politely.  You can even set the example of apologizing for when you have addressed others in impolite ways.

Should I Ignore The Bad Behaviors?

Rude behaviors should not be ignored.  As your t(w)een asserts her independence from you, she will be spending more time with peers.  While this may mean a break for you, it doesn’t change the way that she treats others.  Her peer groups aren’t going to correct her sassiness.  If anything, they will stop associating with her.  Then you are left having to deal with a rude, friendless t(w)een.  Addressing rude behaviors not only ensures that she will continue to have good peer relations, but will also help her to develop solid communication skills that will help her to develop good relationships in her work environments later in life. Incredibly, these rude behaviors aren’t just temporary but may be permanent if left unaddressed.

As with most behavioral changes, it is necessary to not only address the negative behaviors, but also to teach and encourage positive behaviors that can be used instead.  It is important to address the rude behaviors as they come up, and address them consistently.  This consistency means not only in responding to the behaviors directed toward you, but also in the ones that are directed toward others.  Once you have identified the behaviors, have your t(w)een respond with the correct politeness instead.  It should go without saying, but don’t tolerate saccharine sarcasm as a response.

I Know It, But I Can’t Explain It

Adjusting a rude tweens' behavior is worth the effort because it is much easier than trying to change the behaviors of your adult children.  To make things easier, prepare your t(w)een with the types of changes that you want to see occur.  You’ll want to focus on things that include tone of voice, using manner words, asking and not demanding, listening, and using the “I” message.  The “I” message encourages people to talk about their experience rather than blaming others, and basically can be stated as, “I feel _____ when you ____,” rather than, “You always make me angry!”  To start, prioritize which behaviors are most important for you to change and address the other ones later. Many parents first address back talk or walking away during conversations, then proceed to address smaller behaviors such as eye-rolling.

Just as important is to teach your t(w)een how to ask for space to calm down.  While it may seem obvious to you that your son could use a few minutes to cool down, it may not be as clear to him.  In most cases, these situations result in someone yelling and storming out of the room. Ideally, you will model this yourself, so your tween learns to say, “I need a few minutes to calm down by myself.”  In order to make sure that you are not allowing your t(w)een to avoid an argument, set a time when you will address this with him again (i.e. after dinner, in 30 minutes, etc.).

Encourage? Stickers Don’t Work Anymore

T(w)eens develop new interests and can’t be swayed by earning stickers toward a prize as easily.  As your child turns into a t(w)een, you should be changing your parenting style to accommodate for this.  You may have to pull out the things that used to be considered “the big guns.” Rewards could be sleepovers, shopping, or a day off from chores.

When your t(w)een stops responding to previous interventions, he is ready to accept more serious consequences for his misbehaviors. Acceptable consequences can include being grounded, loss of access to TV, and losing privileges for special events—especially those involving friends. While it may make you unpopular in the short term, your efforts will be rewarded with a polite tween and respectful adult.