In Response to the Commenters from "I am Adam Lanza's Mother"

In the wake of the tragedy in Newtown, CT, a beautiful blog titled "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" was posted by Liza Long and has been shared by many people on Facebook.  I am impressed by the outpouring of support that many of the people on my Facebook feed have shown, especially by those who have come out with their own stories about parenting a child with mental illness.  It's unfortunate that these are some of the only times that these parents will be heard because their struggles truly happen on a day-to-day basis.  Unfortunately, there seems to be a community that is also responding to this article with suggestions filled with dangerous and insensitive hate and ignorance.

The range of suggestions are downright scary and many threaten the progress that enables the freedoms that we enjoy in this country.  What these commenters are unable to see is that these are not merely children that need a spanking to "straighten them out." These are children who suffer an illness that doesn't have a cure yet. Their response when stressed isn't to think about the consequences afterward, but to react in a way that allows them out of the situation, which can include anything from screaming and yelling to hitting, biting, and attacking.  It's not a choice--it's part of the condition.  This is akin to telling a child with diabetes that if his blood sugar gets too low, he should think sweet thoughts or telling a cancer patient that he should encourage his healthy cells to do better.  I myself have worked with many families who have decided to become stricter and firmer and use stronger forms of discipline, only to realize that at some point, the child grows bigger and stronger and can't be restrained anymore.  Further, through the process, the child learns that when he gets angry, it's going to be met with physical resistance, so fighting and being angrier is the best way out of the situation.

For those commenters who suggest that the family members failed, please visit a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) meeting and listen to the families that struggle with these choices.  There is pain and guilt involved in every decision. Their lives can be dominated by trying to find answers with hours spent in the waiting rooms of therapists while their loved ones struggle themselves.  It's not a choice to have mentally ill children, siblings, or parents.  The reason that you don't hear from these family members is because of the rude reactions by the public.  Rather than taking the time to understand mental illness, many people in public are quick to make disparaging comments that call into question or shame the individuals and the family.  Day after day, it becomes easier to stay away from the public than it is to deal with the ridicule and torment.

One particularly appalling comment suggested stripping the rights and freedoms away from those with mental illness.  In the comment thread that followed, the original poster defended his rights to guns (I promise I'm not making this a gun issue) as well as suggested locking up those who have mental illnesses.  Unfortunately, we aren't that far removed from the Willowbrook State School where individuals with mental illnesses and developmental disabilities were crowded into some of the most inhumane conditions in our lifetimes--for the only reason that they were identified as being mentally ill.  For the same reasons that we retain our rights in this country, so does everyone else.  We give everyone the chance to succeed.  We don't want to push people away from mental health even further.  Making policies to criminalize mental illness will only push people who can and do receive help and success away from their therapists, medications, and treatments.  Marginalizing those who do receive treatment even further takes away the opportunities for them to succeed and contribute successfully to our society.

I can't address every type of comment on that thread, but it really boils down to a lack of awareness about mental illness and developmental disabilites. Many more details are going to emerge about Adam Lanza in the following days and weeks.  Be respectful to those who have supportive stories and take the time to listen-to actually listen to their experience-rather than offering up a suggestion about what they need.  Hopefully you never have an family member go through these struggles, but that doesn't mean that you have to take away the rights of those who do.

T(w)eenage Parenting #17: Cutting and Self Injury

The thought of a t(w)een who is self-cutting evokes the image of gothic adolescent listening to The Cure all alone with a razor blade. However, when we really look at the behaviors and emotions that surround a t(w)een who is cutting, we see that these stereotypes don't apply to all t(w)eens who cut.

What is Cutting?

Cutting is a self-injurious behavior in an attempt at body-mutilation.  While cutting is typically done with sharp objects, such as knives, razors, or scissors, it can also be done by repetitively rubbing any object over the same area, including zippers, erasers, and pen caps.  The cutting is not done with the intent to commit suicide, although it may seem like it due to cuts that accidentally go too deep.  There is also a different psychological drive than those who attempt suicide by cutting their wrists.

The psychological differences between self-injury and suicidality are different enough that the American Psychiatric Association is likely to create a new diagnostic category in 2013 for Non-Suicidal Self Injury. The proposed diagnosis uses criteria that the injuries are not caused with the intent of suicide as either reported by the patient or by looking at the patterns of the injuries over the course of the last year (the proposal suggests a minimum of five such injuries over the past twelve months).  Another distinction is that the t(w)een engaging in the acts knows that the method being used does not have lethal intention, which is often seen in the superficial depth of the wounds, as opposed to the deeper wounds associated with suicide attempts.

Research from the 1990's suggested that less than 3% of all 10-18-year-olds engaged in cutting behaviors. Most current research investigates cutting behaviors in t(w)eens as a demographic, but does not examine differences between genders. The few reports that do separate males and females suggest that while only 8-10% of males engage in cutting behaviors, as many as 20% of females in this age range are cutting themselves with sharp objects or burning themselves with matches or lighters.  A 2008 study from Yale University found that 56% of 10-14-year-old females had engaged in self-injury, including 36% in the past year. But these gender differences only tell part of the story.

Who is Cutting?

While females are more likely to cut, there are even more specific demographics and behaviors that may dictate who is most likely to engage in self-harming behaviors. Caucasian females who are in middle or high school who come from in-tact, middle or upper class families are the most likely to cut.  Typically, but not always, the t(w)eens who engage in this type of behavior are high-achievers who attempt to maintain a picture of perfection surrounding them and their achievements.

Why is this group so prevalent? The t(w)eens who engage in these behaviors have a difficulty expressing their feelings, which can lead to extreme emotional reactions to minor occurrences, such as a small argument with a parent or friend. These girls also have the most to lose socially by having emotional blow-ups. Cutting allows for a physical release of the built up emotional pain without creating a scene that would risk a loss of social status. This is also why wounds are most often hidden; in order to protect their social status and image of perfection, t(w)een girls will conceal the evidence.

Males tend to not have the same repercussions for emotional blow-ups. Sometimes, these are encouraged, such as using the emotion in football or other aggressive arenas. The general idea is that males act outwardly, where females act inwardly. Males who usually engage in cutting behaviors tend to have few friends or are otherwise considered outcasts by their peers. The behavior may also be an act of aggression toward someone else.

What to Watch for

T(w)eens who engage in cutting typically exhibit certain behaviors or signs to hide the marks left from their injuries.  Signs that a t(w)een is cutting include wearing long-sleeve shirts or long pants during warm weather, wearing thick wristbands or watches that are never removed, having unexplained marks on the body, reports of being clumsy that lead to suspicious scrapes or bruises, spending lengthy periods of time alone, having friends or peers who are reportedly cutting, and the disappearance of items that can be used for cutting (knives, razors, safety pins, etc.).

Cutting can take on addictive qualities, both physically and emotionally.  From a physical standpoint, the body produces a rush of endorphins, which are the body's "feel good" chemicals that counteract the initial pain. Emotionally, however, it becomes a habitual way to tolerate difficult emotional responses to stressors. In these cases the addiction to cutting isn't for the physical rush, but as the "go to" response for stress relief, which can be anything from too much homework to breaking up with a boyfriend. Eventually, if left untreated, the t(w)een feels the need to cut more frequently as it does not produce the same emotional release as before.

A few months ago, I had a client in my practice that reported cutting behaviors. The client reported engaging in the behavior during school with friends, purely as a social activity.  In these cases, cutting can be seen as attention-seeking from peers.  What may have started with one person who has deeper psychological problems has turned into a social status symbol.  Much in the same way that peer groups can go through eating disorders at the same time (binge groups or restricting groups), cutting can become a fad, too.  In these groups, the cutting can escalate much more quickly as the scars become signs that state, "Look how much pain I can tolerate."

How Parents Should Respond

If you suspect or know that your child is engaging in cutting, your response can dictate the course of the treatment. Many parents initial reactions range from disbelief to outright rage.  I find that many parents try to rationalize with their t(w)eens, making such statements as, "What were you thinking? Didn't you know it was going to hurt for days afterward?!", or "Don't you know what you are doing to your body long-term?!" While these are completely normal emotional reactions from parents, they aren't necessarily the most productive from the t(w)een's standpoint, and can actually make the cutting behaviors worse. Remember, the t(w)eens who engage in these behaviors typically have difficulty expressing their feelings, so putting them on the spot with a barrage of questions isn't going to provide them with a safe, emotional atmosphere to open up to you.

You may not realize that you could be contributing to the problems at home. Pushing kids to be high achievers or to avoid showing weakness can have negative effects. If your response in the past has been to dictate and control aspects of your t(w)een's life, you may want to give more emotional space to your t(w)een to let her speak up about her own experiences. While it can be anxiety-provoking for parents to hear what is happening with their t(w)eens, it is important for parents to keep their own emotions in check. This means accepting that you are having an emotional reaction and admitting that you are having the emotion to your t(w)een. For instance, this can sound like, "I'm afraid of what you're going through."

Some parents fear that if they are too supportive of their t(w)een, then the t(w)een will take it as permission to continue cutting. While this may be true in some cases, you really want to establish open communication between you and your t(w)een about cutting behaviors. From a purely risk-reduction standpoint, you are better off knowing about the cutting than having your t(w)een continue to hide the behavior from you. By acknowledging that there is an issue, you and your t(w)een can begin finding appropriate ways to handle responses to stress.

The best thing that you can do is to learn more about cutting and have your t(w)een evaluated by a therapist for the severity of the cutting behaviors and any underlying factors. Know that not all cutting behaviors need to be treated through prolonged therapy, as in the cases of social cutting. These behaviors occur on a spectrum and can range from very serious to somewhat benign. The best way to find out is through open communication.

T(w)eenage Parenting #16: Anger is your t(w)een’s middle name (Part One)

You aren’t crazy.  Your t(w)een is overreacting to everything, doesn’t respect anything you say or do, and seems to know everything.  Nothing that you can say or do that is right, you never know what the reaction is going to be, and you even start to mistrust your own judgment.  When you question your own sanity, something needs to change.

It’s biology’s fault

The good news is that your t(w)een is not (entirely) choosing to act this way.  Researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA conducted a study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to compare how teens and adults process emotions.  The results showed that adults processed emotions in the frontal cortex region of the brain, which is roughly the size of an adult’s fist. Teens, however, processed emotions in the amygdala, which is roughly almond-sized. This difference is significant because of the roles that these two brain structures play in a fully developed human brain.

The frontal cortex is responsible for executive functioning.  This is the part of the brain responsible for guiding intelligent thoughts, actions, and emotions.  It is also responsible for inhibiting inappropriate thoughts, actions, feelings, and distractions.  The pre-frontal cortex occupies a larger percentage of the human brain than in any other mammal.  This is one of the last sections of the entire body to develop and may not be fully functioning until the age of twenty-five. Comparatively, the amygdala is part of the limbic system, which is a set of brain structures shared by mammals and reptiles and is primarily used in the storage of memories. It also assists in the processing of internal emotions and their of others—especially anger and aggression.   Until the frontal cortex is fully developed, the amygdala takes on some of its responsibilities.

In other words, your t(w)een’s brain is overloading a very small structure with the responsibilities intended for something much larger.  Additionally, the specialty of this small structure is anger and aggression—so when it becomes overloaded, there is likely to be an oncoming outburst. Reactions, not rational thought, guide this area of the brain.

“I knew my t(w)een wasn’t all there!”

This isn’t to say that your t(w)een isn’t responsible for the angry reactions. Just because biology gives t(w)eens a disadvantage doesn’t mean that they are pardoned for their erratic moods and behaviors.  It does mean that parents need to have a little bit of understanding when it comes to responding to their t(w)eens’ reactions. Always remember that you are the adult in charge, which means that you are the one who is responsible for being the mature person in the room.

The struggle that many parents encounter is the activation of their own amygdala.  When presented with an angry person (including one’s own child), the brain activates the “fight or flight” response in the limbic system.  In this scenario, the limbic system is telling the body to prepare to fight or run away.  As adults, the frontal cortex will override the amygdala, but not before that initial urge to engage your t(w)een’s anger.  Responding in a cool and collected manner will encourage your t(w)een to calm down as well.  In these events, you want to encourage appropriate communication, and the most effective way to do that is to model the appropriate tone and volume.  If you respond by yelling and screaming, you are giving your t(w)een the permission to do the same.

You also need to be aware of placing too much attention on angry behaviors.  Nagging a t(w)een will lead to resentment and frustration, while focusing on what is being done correctly will emphasize appropriate behaviors for the future. Creating a positive environment will lead to more positive behaviors from everyone involved.

Feelings aren’t a bad thing

One mistake that many parents make is encouraging their children to not be angry.  This is probably one of the least productive things that can be said to a t(w)een, for a variety of reasons. The thought behind this is, “If the t(w)een doesn’t get angry, then he won’t act out, and then he won’t get into trouble.” However, this does not work.

First of all, it is not the feelings that are bad, it is the behaviors that are associated with the feelings that are the cause for trouble. What many parents are not able to explain clearly, is that the t(w)een can be angry and that there is an appropriate way to express that anger.  Typically, parents don’t recognize an appropriate anger reaction, which can then lead to the build-up of more anger and a bigger anger explosion. Make it a practice to listen to your t(w)eens’ views (even if they are about you) and validate their viewpoints, even if you disagree with them. To do it appropriately, it should sound like a summary of what you have just been told, “I hear that you are angry that I won’t let you stay out with your friends on Friday night.” You don’t have to agree with their viewpoints, but validating their ideas will help move things along in the conversation.

Second, the “Don’t be angry” message invalidates a t(w)een’s perceptions of the world. This message implicitly tells a t(w)een, “You are wrong. Stop being you.” T(w)eens are already insecure enough about everything that is going on in their lives; they are unsure about their roles socially and personally, and they want to be seen as productive and perfect. This message undermines all of the things that they are trying to be, tells them to stop developing their own viewpoints, and doesn’t give them anything to do instead. You always want to encourage your t(w)een with things that can be done in place of their outbursts, such as cooling off by themselves rather than screaming at you.

Lastly, the “Don’t get angry” message doesn’t necessarily look at the whole picture. While you may be trying to address the earliest stage in the anger process, you may fail to look at what is causing the anger in the first place. Finding solutions to the anger-causing problems will consistently produce the best and longest-lasting results. For example, a t(w)een who is overwhelmed by not having enough time to complete homework, while another t(w)een may be getting angry at perceiving being treated differently than other siblings in the house. In both of these cases, either by changing the schedule or by changing the treatment of the children in the house, it sets up the t(w)een to be less likely to direct anger inappropriately.

Not all anger needs to be addressed

Without the anger-management skills that come with maturity and experience, we can expect t(w)eens to express their anger in many different ways. One of the more common ways that t(w)eens express anger is through passive-aggressive comments or actions, such as mumbling under their breath, rolling their eyes, or stomping around the house. While not the most pleasant behaviors to be around, these particular behaviors are ways of letting the anger out a little bit at a time. You could choose to make an issue out of each of these little steps, but you would do so at the risk of creating a bigger explosion. If the phrase, “Pick your battles” comes to mind, this are the situations where it applies the most. The time to address these behaviors is when they are occurring in public or in front of guests.

When you do decide to address anger, make sure that you do so in a consistent manner. If you haphazardly choose to address the expression of anger in some situations but not others, or in some of your children and not others, then you risk not having your message come across at all. The easiest way for you to do this is to set the rule and the consequence and let your t(w)een’s actions dictate the follow-up. This will teach your t(w)een responsibility without causing you all of the anxiety of preventing the rule from being broken in the first place.

The anger that must be consistently addressed is anything that involves physicality. Physical aggression is never okay and must be dealt with calmly, consistently, and appropriately. At times, this means seeking the help of a professional to identify patterns and strategies that apply specifically to that t(w)een and family. It may be difficult to convince your t(w)een to accept help, but it is a small price to pay when people’s safety is involved.

T(w)eenage Parenting #15: Back to School

It is time for one of the most joyous times of the year for many parents: the days when your t(w)een goes back to school and has to be dealt with by somebody else for seven solid hours out of the day! Unfortunately, it also means the return of arguing, whining, nagging, and eye-rolling—and that’s just on your end.  There are also the hours of homework, sports and instrument practice, socialization, and family time that must be arranged around this new schedule.  Most parents look at the weeks before school and recite the same chorus that has been sung through the ages: THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT!

Is it really?

What is it that you are going to do to make this year different? Were you successful in making last year different from the one before that? Who is making the decision on what to change and who is the most motivated to make the changes permanent?

One of the most common changes that parents implement at this time of year is “getting back into the habit of bedtime”.  As adults, we see this as a time to help the body get into the habit of sleeping and waking so that mornings won’t involve so much crankiness and the first weeks of school won’t be so much of a shock.  However, t(w)eens seemingly see this as a final assault on the perceived freedoms allowed by the last weeks of summer vacation.  While this does sort of practice does not seem like it is fruitful during the practice week, it does make the first week of school somewhat less tense for everybody involved—even if there is still a struggle to get everyone out of bed on time.

I bring up this practice of sleeping and waking because it highlights how to measure success.  No matter how well you and your t(w)een practice bedtimes, a part of you knows that there will be mornings during the first weeks of school when your t(w)een won’t get out of bed.  Even if your t(w)een gets out of bed on time most days, parents have a tendency to be  biased in their thoughts and arguments based on the more emotionally charged events that occur.  In these cases, the one day that your t(w)een oversleeps, the ensuing argument will be more emotional and more memorable, making it seem as if your t(w)een always oversleeps.

But my t(w)een oversleeps all the time!

Your t(w)een may oversleep a lot, but I’m sure that your t(w)een has a different opinion. This is why it is important to make sure you set clear, specific goals so both you and your t(w)een understand the desired outcomes.  It is much easier to set vague goals, but in order to know if you are succeeding, you need to have some idea of what success looks like.  If the goal is for your t(w)een to do better at waking up in the morning, what exactly does better look like?  Your t(w)een may think that getting up in the morning is going better because he hasn’t received any tardies, but you may think that things are going horribly because you are having to stop back at the school later in the day to drop off all of the belonging that he didn’t have time to prepare on his way out the door.

However, having set concrete goals allows for you and your t(w)een to easily see just how much success you are having.  Rather than a goal of “doing better”, try being more specific by having a goal of “being out of bed, dressed, and to the breakfast table by 6:30”.  In the second example, there is little room for argument on whether or not the goal is met.  The room for interpretation is removed and there is one less thing to argue about during the morning rush.

It is also important to make sure that your goal is reasonable.  This means that you want to make sure that outside factors aren’t going to sabotage the chances of success. Does your t(w)een have practice until 9:00 p.m. most nights? Then it may not  be fair to have super high expectations for productivity in the mornings.  Use your best judgment in these cases.

Setting the goals

Now that you have an idea of how to be specific and reasonable, you are all ready to begin setting goals, right?  Not so fast! You’re t(w)een isn’t there with you. One of the mistakes that many parents make at this time of year is setting goals without asking for any input from their t(w)eens.  What are goals without their input? In your t(w)een’s eyes, these are just more rules to follow, complain about, or ignore altogether.

This isn’t to say that you should leave the goal-setting entirely up to your t(w)een.  The point is to start a conversation about making improvements or being successful during the school year.  Properly set goals can inspire, challenge, and motivate anyone to reach their highest levels of achievement. It helps most families to have specific areas to focus their goals.  These may be good starting points:

-What are your goals for grades this year?

-What are your goals for organization (backpack, room, locker, etc…)?

-What are your goals for extracurricular activities?

While these are just a few areas, you can certainly come up with many more.  Since this is the beginning of the conversation, this is also the time when you can give some of your own input.

It is only fair for the whole family to join in and set goals. If you, as the parents, exclude yourselves from this process, you can expect very little follow through from your tweens.  Each person can have individual goals for the year, and I also encourage that goals are set for the entire family, too.  These goals may take the form of, “Everyone home and doing an activity together on Wednesday nights at 7:00” or “TV is off during mealtimes.”

Setting the goals is only the beginning—you must also make sure that you are measuring your progress and celebrating your successes.  When you are setting your goals, make sure that you schedule regular times to review your progress.  Think of how well you’ve done on reaching your New Year’s Resolution.  If you haven’t checked your progress lately, chances are you haven’t kept your resolution.  T(w)eens are even worse at keeping long-term goals in mind, so it takes some extra responsibility on your part to help them develop this skill. By following through, you’re getting rid of the excuses to not succeed.  Once you and your t(w)eens reach your goals, make a big deal about the accomplishment and celebrate your successes!

Other considerations

In addition to setting goals about home and school, you may want to consider using this time of year as an opportunity to talk about growth in other areas of life.  Your t(w)een’s identity is not entirely based on school success, so all of the goals shouldn’t focus just on this one area.  Be prepared and respectful of any goals that your t(w)een may bring up that may not be tied directly to academics.

Furthermore, you may want to come up with goals that are tied to more abstract concepts.  Your t(w)een may be expressing a desire for more independence, but may not necessarily know how to ask for it—other than those times when your t(w)een is yelling that you “always tell them what to do”. This is a good time to open a discussion about the behaviors you expect in order for your t(w)een to earn more independence, such as completing daily chores and nightly homework without having to be reminded.

When it comes to supporting your t(w)een in reaching these goals, it is important that you first provide emotional support, but don’t be so quick to jump in and offer more direct support.  It is important for you to ask questions about your t(w)een’s thought processes and satisfaction in their progress toward their goals, but letting your t(w)een struggle to will help teach self-reliance and will build more self-satisfaction when the goal is completed. You also want to be careful not to undermine your t(w)een by jumping in and doing the work yourself.

It’s also developmentally normal and healthy for t(w)een interests and ideas to change quickly, so be aware that goals may change.  Use your best judgment on which goals need to be maintained for the entire year, and which ones you can let change from week to week. Overemphasizing commitment can interfere with finding a self-identity—which is the biggest developmental goal for t(w)eens. Encourage your t(w)een to stick with the things that they are good at to make it clear that those activities are worthwhile.

T(w)eenage Parenting #14: Dating: Teen Edition

Last month, I wrote about handling dating for tweens.  As a follow-up, this month is dedicated to dating issues surrounding parents of high-school aged teens.

It starts with you

First things first, dating and relationship attitudes start with you, often long before your child hits the teenage years.  How you view dating and marriage will determine the expectations that your teen will develop once he or she hits high school.  If you want your teen to wait until the age of 16 to start dating, and you clearly state your message, your teen will grow up with the attitude that 16 is the age to start dating.  On a different note, if you believe that dating shouldn’t happen until much later, you need to be clear about what “later” means to you.  The most important tool is to be consistent with your messages and expectations.

Whether or not your teen actually seems to be listening to you, one message that is being paid attention to is your approach to relationships.  Parents base their thoughts and actions on previous and current  relationships.  However, teens don’t have these histories and tend to model their relationship styles after the one that is most familiar…yours.  The interaction patterns between you and your partner are setting the groundwork for the ways that your teen will default in interactions with a boyfriend or girlfriend.  This may scare some parents who are trying to encourage their teens to be respectful and courteous to dating partners, yet can’t show how to compromise and listen themselves. Some parents may be wondering right now about how to teach their teens a different pattern of behaviors than what happens at home.  The answer is: change the behaviors at home.

Speak the same language

Changes in interests are bound to occur from generation to generation, just as the language that is used by the teens of that generation.  It’s important for parents to know and use the same language as their teens, otherwise you might be running the risk of talking about entirely different subjects.  The changes in language occur so quickly that it may not even apply from older teens to younger teens, so have your teen define what he or she means when talking about a relationship.  What many parents may consider as dating, teens may refer to as “hanging out,” “chilling,” or “hooking up.”  These terms may not even mean the same thing from teen to teen and may range in definition from spending time with someone in a large group of friends all the way up to and including engaging in sexual activities.  These labels serve the purpose not only to allow for dating behaviors behind an unsuspecting parent’s back, but also create a psychological safety net by not classifying a relationship into a serious, committed category.  More simply, when the relationship goes bad, it is much easier emotionally to “stop hanging out” with someone than it is to “break up.”

When you are talking with your teen, you also want them to know what you are talking about when you bring up your viewpoints.  I recently came across a survey written from the viewpoint of a teenager.  The questions were variations of the following: What does a parent mean when they say ‘Where are you going tonight?’ A) ‘Where are you going tonight?’ B) ‘Where are you going tonight and who is it with?’ C) ‘Where are you going tonight, who is it with, and is it safe?’.  Obviously this was meant to be humorous, but it does highlight that parents can also be guilty of not communicating clearly and effectively.  More simply, if you want your teens to communicate effectively, you must be the one that models the appropriate behaviors and patterns.  Otherwise, you run the risk of sending mixed messages.  Remember, when given the choice of following your words or examples, most teens will choose the one that’s easier.

Everything has changed

Parents have done a good job of encouraging their teens to go on group dates.  Initially, this provides a level of safety in the dating atmosphere (and peace of mind for parents) by allowing a teen to be able to rely on others in the group if there are uncomfortable situations.  However, this is a double-edged sword.  In groups, teens must now face the peer pressures that come along with these situations, such as pressure to drink alcohol.  These teens may have a harder time speaking up because they don’t want to stand out from the group in front of a date.

Teens no longer wait by the phone waiting for a phone call from a crush.  Instead, many dates are set through text messages or Facebook.  Since teens also meet each other online, the dates may be set with others who don’t even attend the same school.  For parents, this means that there is less interaction with a child’s dating partners and less opportunities to get to know the personality of who your child is dating.  A parent’s imagination can create many different scenarios with that limited amount of information.

One major worry for parents is about their teens having sex.  If it isn’t scary enough to worry about what is happening out on a date, it’s also important to know that the RAND Corporation has found that teen sex is most likely to occur between 3:00 and 6:00 p.m., which is the time after school when most parents are still at work.  Friends and peers who talk about having sex are indicators that a teen may feel pressured to also have sex, so listen to hear if your teen is reporting about classmates who are having sex.

Boundaries

Parents can make lists of rules for their teens to follow when it comes to dating, but it is much easier and better for your relationship with your teen to set boundaries instead.  What’s the difference? Rules tend to be set by a person in power (i.e. the parent) and are often viewed by the other person (i.e. the teen) as a line in the sand that will need to be crossed.  On the other hand, boundaries are the result of discussions that lead to what’s best for everyone involved. Boundaries are a mutual agreement set in advance by the people in the discussion.

When it comes to your teen’s dating, it’s important to set the boundaries ahead of time.  Perhaps the most important boundary of all that you want to set is that you are a loving and caring parent who wishes the best for your teen.  Serious discussions about the transition into an independent adult are necessary for your teen to fully feel like the lines of communication are open between the two of you.  Next, have discussions about your own expectations of your teen’s dating.  These can include anything from curfews to meeting your teen’s date before they leave for the evening.

Just as important as setting boundaries with your teen, it is also necessary to make sure that your teen is able to set their own boundaries with their potential dates.  To help your teen better be able to do this, help them to answer questions about their potential (or future) date, such as: “What kind of person am I willing to date?”, “What kinds of behavior am I willing to deal with from someone?”, and  “Who can I turn to when I need help?”  With this last question, be sure that you aren’t sending mixed messages by saying that you will be supportive, but end up blaming your teen when the situation arises.

There may be some situations that are obvious to you that aren’t quite as obvious to your teen. For example, if your teen wants to date someone who is much older or younger, you will need to have a discussion not only about the differences in maturity levels, friends, and privileges, but also about the potential legal situations that may arise.  You may also be the first to notice that a dating partner is mistreating your teen, or is being disrespectful to you.  Lastly, you will also have the best view of how dating affects your teens grades and mood.  It is best to outline this ahead of time, and if any major changes are noticed, then dating can wait until things are back under control.

Make sure that you are upfront with your teen, especially on the tough issues, such as boundaries and sex. Even if he or she doesn’t want to hear it from you, you are giving the gift of being clear about your ideas.  In turn, this empowers your teen to be able to be upfront about his or her own ideas, which will hopefully line up with yours.   You won’t know until you sit down and talk (and listen).

T(w)eenage Parenting #13: Tween Dating

A parent of a 12-year-old suggested that I write an article on how to handle her son’s recent desire to start dating.  She expressed that she did not necessarily know of any good resources to help her talk with her son about the issues that surround dating, such as what “dating” means, healthy boundaries, sexuality, and the inevitable break-ups that will occur.  During my research for this newsletter, I found a lot of contradicting advice coming from a lot of different resources—including some information from people that are posing as professionals.  Based on the large amount of information and the very different developmental maturities involved, I have decided that I am going to approach the topic of dating based on two separate age groups: tweens (through middle school) and teens (high school).

What is tween dating?

Dating for tweens may start innocently enough.  Agreeing to “go out” with someone provides an opportunity to try out adult-like roles that are becoming more and more present in marketing that is directed to tweens.  Even though most tweens are not emotionally capable of handling a dating relationship, many aspire to be in these relationships.  A 2008 study by the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) and TRU (a youth-market research firm) and funded Liz Claiborne, Inc. revealed that half of tweens between the ages of 11-14 say they have been in a dating relationship.   Additionally, 60% thought that parents should allow tweens to date.  The striking thing about this research is that it is conducted and funded by companies that influence the future marketing to this age demographic.  You can bet that the marketing people used this information to have TV shows and commercials place tween actors into dating situations.

 Today, “dating” is actually a term used as a social safetynet for tweens.  It provides the safety of appearing more grown-up to peers without the risk of being teased for “liking” someone.  The vast majority of tweens believe that dating someone means saying “I like you” directly to someone, holding hands, or sending dozens of text messages to each other on a daily basis.  For most tweens, “dating” serves as a way to develop a deeper emotional friendship.

They don’t even talk

Many tween dating relationships happen through digital media.  This can mean messages through Facebook or through texting, which many tweens see as being just as important in relationship development as actually talking to someone.  In fact, some tween “couples” may not even know how to talk to each other in person.  A February article in The Wall Street Journal described a 14-year-old couple that were “more than friends” who would send each other over 300 text messages a day, but were socially awkward around each other and couldn’t maintain a conversation.  While this type of relationship may sound innocent enough, it does lend itself to the possibility of the relationship turning into one that includes sexting—where sexually explicit messages and pictures are sent back and forth. 

The digital relationships are also ripe for break-ups being handled poorly.  Not only is it possible to receive a text message that disintegrates the relationship, but the aftermath can be devastating, too.  After a break-up, a jilted tween can take to Facebook, Twitter, or any of the various other social  media to spread rumors and gossips about their ex.  With so many tweens connected through these media platforms, the rumors can be spread much more quickly than many parents ever imagined.  This type of gossip can quickly turn peer groups inside out and against one another, can lead to cyberbullying, and can lead a tween being outcast or rejected at school the following day.  Depending on the nature of the situation, the peers may even know the news before the tween!

Fears for parents

Knowing that tweens are emotionally unprepared for dating, parents fear that the relationships will turn into sexual relationships as well.  Many parents don’t want to face the idea that their tween is developing sexually any earlier than necessary.  After all, the same child that still needs to be walked across a busy street can’t possibly be ready for sex, right?

Data on this issue can be troubling. The same 2008 survey by  NDVH and TRU revealed that 28% of kids between the ages off 11 and 14 believe that oral sex and intercourse are expected in a dating relationship. Nearly 10% of those tweens reported that they had gone further than kissing or making out.  More than a third in the survey reported that they knew of friends who had been pressured by a dating partner to “do things that they didn’t want.”  Rates of verbal abuse in the relationships are also reported to be above 40%, which generally starts as name calling, but progresses into more controlling behaviors over time.

That’s it! No dating!

Dating at earlier ages leads to experimenting with sex at earlier ages.  Johanna Wright, a health teacher in New Jersey, stated, “What parents don’t understand is these kids are experimenting with things in middle school that their parents did when they were in college.  Kids are seeing things on TV and on the internet and acting them out. We are experiencing a sexual revolution and it’s only getting worse.”  She reports that she is counseling younger and younger children who have contracted STDs and are engaging in sexual behaviors, sometimes even at school.

The natural instinct of most parents would be to not allow their tweens to date at all.  However, this may be counterproductive, especially if your tween is already dating.  If you only say no, your tween may learn how to date behind your back.  In these situations, you will be seen as someone who cannot be approached with questions about dating, the opposite gender, and sexuality.  This leaves the primary sources of information to be TV, the internet, and equally misinformed peers. It also increases the likelihood that a tween will engage in riskier behaviors, such as vandalizing property or trying drugs.

What do I do?

The best way for you to make sure that your tweens get the information that you want them to get about dating and sexuality is to be the one who provides them with that information.  For the most part, health classes don’t cover dating and sexuality until long after tweens have been exposed to media messages about dating and sexuality.  I frequently see parents who express a denial about their tweens’ development and refuse to talk about dating, yet their children have no problem reciting the lyrics to Rihanna’s S & M.

It’s important to know that your first reactions to your tweens’ initial interest in dating can set the tone for how much will be shared with you in the future.  You will find the most, long-term success in setting boundaries around dating if you are responsive to your tweens’ views.  This means that rather than giving a lecture about why you feel that your tweens shouldn’t date, you should have a conversation (where you both talk and listen to each other) about what dating means and what are acceptable dating behaviors.  You may be surprised by how much or little your tweens know about dating and sexuality, which may be difficult for you.  However, this is a time for you to model for your tween that this is a topic that you will be open to discussing with them in grown up ways.

It’s also important to make sure that you don’t have just one conversation about dating and sexuality with your tweens.  This is something that gets more complex as your tweens get older. One initial conversation won’t necessarily be something that is remembered when you aren’t standing there with them.  After all, if you need to tell your tweens to clean their rooms ten times before they do it, imagine how many times you will need to talk with them about the important things in life.

Lastly, don’t wait for your tween to come to you with questions about dating and sexuality.  They already feel embarrassment about their changing bodies and social lives, and coming to you with more shortcomings can be daunting.  It isn’t likely that your tweens will be eager to have these conversations with you, much like it’s probably not easy to start these conversations yourself.  Either way, start talking before it’s too late.

T(w)eenage Parenting #12: No Bull

Over the weekend, I had the opportunity to see the documentary Bully.  This movie examines the effects of bullying on five families across the United States, and the responses of the surrounding communities to their particular situations.  The message of the movie is incredible and has rightly sparked a growing conversation about bullying in our country.

We’re failing our kids

Jon Pease, the founder and director of the non-profit Not-the-Target reports that only 4% of bullying is witnessed by adults, which means that 96% goes unseen.  “If our children only receive 4% on their tests, we would be giving them every intervention imaginable,” he says, “unfortunately, there’s nothing holding adults to the same level of responsibility.”

Even for t(w)eens that muster the courage to turn to an adult, they are often not met with understanding or care. In Bully, one target of bullying is forced by the principal to shake hands with a student that has been bullying him.  When the target refuses, the principal attempts to convince him that he is as bad as the aggressor for not moving past the events.  At other points in the movie, the principal openly placates parents who come for help in dealing with bullying issues for their special needs child.  She also goes on to guarantee, much to the dismay of the parents, that the school cannot do much to protect their son.

The targets of bullying most likely have asked for help from an adult in the past and did not receive it.  The expected response to bullying should be that a parent intervenes by going to the school or directly to the parents of the bully.  When these steps don’t produce the desired outcomes, great parents continue to make noise until change is seen by going to higher levels of the school administration.

However, many parents and adults are at a loss when it comes to dealing with chronic bullying.  Not only do they not know what to do or say, but they can give advice that is ineffective or puts their t(w)eens in even more danger than before.  It’s after things become more dangerous that many parents start to realize how bad things have been for their t(w)eens.  Unfortunately, their t(w)eens have often already decided that their parents aren’t much help with these issues.

Advice that we give

Some of the advice that parents give is good—but only in certain situations.  When t(w)eens come for help with bullies, often the first advice that is given is to, “Just ignore it.”  This advice may be practical for instances of verbal teasing during the early processes of bullying, but it’s an all encompassing approach to dealing with a bully, especially when there are instances of  physical bullying.  The distinction between ignoring verbal teasing and getting help needs to be made to all t(w)eens, along with positive steps to be safe in the future.

One of the steps that often goes overlooked by parents is talking with our t(w)eens is about avoiding the bully.  Often times, adults give the message that bullies “like the person” being targeted or that the target should try and friend the bully.  When bullying has reached the point of being physical, t(w)eens should be taught not to try and friend the bully.  Much of the bullies strength comes from the attention that they receive.  By not giving them the chance for attention, it shifts the power dynamic more into the favor of the target.

Most importantly, t(w)eens should be encouraged to go to at least three different adults to report bullying.  If the first one doesn’t respond, then they should go to the next one.  If that one doesn’t respond, go to the next one.  Targets of bullying often feel alone in their troubles, which often contributes to them not seeking out help because they feel that nobody understands what they are going through.  By going to three adults, it improves the odds that somebody will respond. 

Nobody understands

T(w)eens may be saying, “Nobody understands what I’m going through,” but what they usually mean is that “Nobody is listening to my experience.”  Many adults jump into these conversations with statements like: “Bullying happens to everyone,” “It’s part of growing up,” or “Stand up for yourself.”  At best, these statements are dismissive about the nature of what your t(w)eens are experiencing.  At worst, these messages encourage a t(w)eens to physically put themselves into dangerous situations. 

The unfortunate thing about this last message is that it is perpetuated repeatedly by Hollywood.  Remember in Back to the Future when George McFly punches the bully during the prom? If you’ve seen the movie, you know that this moment changed the course of all of the characters in the movie franchise.  What the movie left out was that the next day, Biff and his friends would have come back to exact their revenge.  Bullying is, by definition, chronic.  A one time attack wouldn’t change the usual pattern between the aggressors and targets.

When an adults dismiss their t(w)eens experience, it discourages the t(w)eens from wanting to open up in the future. T(w)eens really want their experience validated without judgment.  This means listening to what they have experienced and resisting your urge to jump in to fix the problems.  Your t(w)eens have feelings based on tough situations and need to know that you are a safe person to whom those feelings can be expressed.  Regardless of your previous experiences, your best course of action is to show that you are willing to listen.

The next step is to encourage your t(w)eens to come up with solutions for the problem.  Again, you need to be able to listen without judgment, even if some of the ideas are impossible or ridiculous.  By doing this, you are not only continuing to validate their experience, but you are also encouraging your t(w)eens to develop problem-solving skills.  You can help your t(w)eens follow up on the solutions that require the assistance of an adult.  This is also the point in time when you can offer solutions.

Crowd control

The message of Bully is that bullying is a problem and something needs to be done about it.  It’s a documentary that is doing its part to start a much needed conversation about a very serious topic. However, the movie isn’t very explicit about how bullying should be addressed.  The message that needs to stated more clearly is that the witnesses and bystanders hold much of the responsibility in the bullying process. 

In the bullying process, bystanders have the power to encourage the bully, stop the bully, or to get help from an adult.  An important step for parents and schools is to encourage the bystanders and witnesses to get help and not to fall silent.  Many t(w)eens feel that by coming forward that they will become the bully’s next target, which can be true in some instances.  However, by working with t(w)eens and schools to create an environment where the witnesses are encouraged to come forward to a safe adult, it will help to break the cycle.  But everyone, especially the adults in the school, needs to understand that these students are not tattling, but are actually trying to stop a chronic problem.  One idea is to create a “Bully Box” where students can anonymously drop a piece of paper with dates, times, locations, and the names of students who are involved in bullying.  School officials can then review the students’ names that appear in the box, especially those whose names appear repeatedly.

Targeting the targets

Dan Olweus, considered to be the grandfather of anti-bullying research, advocates that the targets of bullying shouldn’t be made to feel like they did anything wrong.  Unfortunately, many anti-bullying campaigns take this out of context and don’t encourage any interventions with the targets.  The hurt experienced by the targets is very real and needs to be addressed to help work on skills that can stop the cycle of bullying.  Empowering the targets with social skills, esteem building, and practical help will help them to not only be resistant to the bullies in their lives now, but also with any bullies that they may encounter in the future.