A Scene From Every T(w)een Home
In
America
A t(w)een
enters his house after school, throws his backpack on the floor, kicks his
shoes in the opposite direction, falls onto the couch and flips on the TV. The parent asks about his day at school and
if he has any homework. The t(w)een
sighs, scoffs, rolls his eyes, and pulls out his phone to text his friend. Again, the parent asks about the school day,
when the t(w)een yells,
“Shut up! I’m trying to watch TV!"
Some of the most joyous moments of a
parent’s life come when her child says his magical first words. Most parents are unable to think far enough
into the future to realize that someday, that very same child will use that
ability to speak out against them.
Inevitably, the day comes when your t(w)een talks back, talks over you, rolls his
eyes, or otherwise ignores you. Once the
initial shock subsides, you are often at a loss for what to say and do
next. You may even start to second-guess
your parenting skills.
Where
Does This Come From?
Many influences can lead to a t(w)een’s sassiness and rude behaviors. Some are hormonal and biological, some are
social and societal, and others can be related to you and your family. Identifying patterns in these behaviors can
help you determine the cause, and ultimately a way to address them so that they
don’t continue.
The t(w)een years are the start of a host of
hormonal changes that promote the physical growth of the body and nervous
system. As t(w)eens grow, their emotions are often
more difficult to manage due to these hormonal changes. This is also a period when t(w)eens start to experience new emotions, such
as hurt and judgment. Biological changes
also create new patterns of sleeping, which is often seen as t(w)eens starting to stay up later and,
consequently, want to sleep in later.
Not getting enough rest can contribute to t(w)eens’ irritability and ability to handle
stress.
Although a biological cause explains some
of the behavioral changes, social and societal contributions are present as
well. A t(w)een is often expected to be fully engaged
for an entire school day. Not only is
there the expectation to pay attention in class, but there is also a pressure
to be fully engaged with peers between classes, during lunch, and after
school. Getting along with teachers and
peers while learning can be exhausting, which means that by the end of the day,
the t(w)een has little patience left
emotionally.
Societal messages also teach t(w)eens that parents and adults are inept and
don’t have a clue. Consider movies like Home
Alone or Transformers or spend some time watching The
Disney Channel with
your t(w)eens.
Inevitably, you will see adults portrayed as clueless know-nothings that
must be saved by know-it-all kids. These
messages may not be as obvious to your t(w)eens, but these are only a few examples of
many that bombard your t(w)eens every single day.
Parents might also want to consider the
family environment and the examples set at home. Does your family consider puns and sarcasm to
be acceptable? While it may not be easy
to admit, your own snarky behaviors can be setting an unwanted example for your
t(w)eens.
By being sarcastic yourself, you set the model for expected behaviors by
your children. This can hold true
whether you say witty things to be funny or snap at people when you are
stressed or are having a bad day.
Lastly, these behaviors may be one of the
many ways that t(w)eens start to assert their individual
identities. In the cases of rudeness,
the behaviors can be an assertion of independence, or it can be a sign of that
something is bothering them or making them feel insufficient. Either way, the backtalk serves as a way to
emotionally distance themselves and avoid having to face those difficult
feelings. Depending on the maturity of your t(w)eens, this may or may not be done by choice.
Is My T(w)een
Really Going To Be Like Me?
Your
t(w)een follows your example. If you are going to be sarcastic, rude, and
dismissive, you can bet that your t(w)een will also be sarcastic, rude, and
dismissive. Many people (parents
included) fall into a trap of relationship laziness, where preoccupations and
chores get in the way of taking the time to listen to others. Often, the first casualties of this trap are
family members, for the simple reason that these people have to deal with you,
in good times and in bad.
On
the other hand, the best way to raise respectful t(w)eens is to be respectful yourself. Show your child that you are capable of being
nice to other people even when you are stressed. Rather than barking an order to your t(w)een, ask her politely. You can even set the example of apologizing
for when you have addressed others in impolite ways.
Should
I Ignore The Bad Behaviors?
Rude
behaviors should not be ignored. As your
t(w)een asserts her independence from you,
she will be spending more time with peers.
While this may mean a break for you, it doesn’t change the way that she
treats others. Her peer groups aren’t
going to correct her sassiness. If
anything, they will stop associating with her.
Then you are left having to deal with a rude, friendless t(w)een.
Addressing rude behaviors not only ensures that she will continue to
have good peer relations, but will also help her to develop solid communication
skills that will help her to develop good relationships in her work
environments later in life. Incredibly, these rude behaviors aren’t just
temporary but may be permanent if left unaddressed.
As
with most behavioral changes, it is necessary to not only address the negative
behaviors, but also to teach and encourage positive behaviors that can be used
instead. It is important to address the
rude behaviors as they come up, and address them consistently. This consistency means not only in responding
to the behaviors directed toward you, but also in the ones that are directed
toward others. Once you have identified
the behaviors, have your t(w)een respond with the correct
politeness instead. It should go without
saying, but don’t tolerate saccharine sarcasm as a response.
I
Know It, But I Can’t Explain It
Adjusting
a rude tweens' behavior
is worth
the effort because it is much easier than trying to change the behaviors of
your adult children. To make things easier, prepare your t(w)een with the types of changes that you want
to see occur. You’ll want to focus on
things that include tone of voice, using manner words, asking and not
demanding, listening, and using the “I” message. The “I” message encourages people to talk
about their experience rather than blaming others, and basically can be stated
as, “I feel _____ when you ____,” rather than, “You always make me angry!” To start, prioritize which behaviors are most
important for you to change and address the other ones later. Many parents first address back talk or walking away during conversations, then proceed to address smaller
behaviors such as eye-rolling.
Just
as important is to teach your t(w)een how to ask for space to calm down. While it may seem obvious to you that your
son could use a few minutes to cool down, it may not be as clear to him. In most cases, these situations result in
someone yelling and storming out of the room. Ideally, you will model this yourself, so
your tween learns to say,
“I need a few minutes to calm down by myself.”
In order to make sure that you are not allowing your t(w)een to avoid an argument, set a time when
you will address this with him again (i.e. after dinner, in 30 minutes, etc.).
Encourage?
Stickers Don’t Work Anymore
T(w)eens develop new interests and can’t be
swayed by earning stickers toward a prize as easily. As your child turns into a t(w)een, you should be changing your parenting
style to accommodate for this. You may
have to pull out the things that used to be considered “the big guns.” Rewards
could be sleepovers, shopping, or a day off from chores.
When
your t(w)een stops responding to previous
interventions, he is ready to accept more serious consequences for his
misbehaviors. Acceptable consequences can include being grounded, loss of
access to TV, and losing privileges for special events—especially those involving
friends.
While it may make you unpopular in the short term, your efforts will be
rewarded with a polite tween and respectful adult.
