A parent of a 12-year-old suggested that
I write an article on how to handle her son’s recent desire to start
dating. She expressed that she did not
necessarily know of any good resources to help her talk with her son about the
issues that surround dating, such as what “dating” means, healthy boundaries,
sexuality, and the inevitable break-ups that will occur. During my research for this newsletter, I
found a lot of contradicting advice coming from a lot of different
resources—including some information from people that are posing as
professionals. Based on the large amount
of information and the very different developmental maturities involved, I have
decided that I am going to approach the topic of dating based on two separate
age groups: tweens (through middle school) and teens (high school).
What
is tween dating?
Dating for tweens may start innocently
enough. Agreeing to “go out” with
someone provides an opportunity to try out adult-like roles that are becoming
more and more present in marketing that is directed to tweens. Even though most tweens are not emotionally
capable of handling a dating relationship, many aspire to be in these
relationships. A 2008 study by the
National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) and TRU (a youth-market research
firm) and funded Liz Claiborne, Inc. revealed that half of tweens between the
ages of 11-14 say they have been in a dating relationship. Additionally, 60% thought that parents
should allow tweens to date. The
striking thing about this research is that it is conducted and funded by
companies that influence the future marketing to this age demographic. You can bet that the marketing people used
this information to have TV shows and commercials place tween actors into
dating situations.
Today, “dating” is actually a term used as a
social safetynet for tweens. It provides the safety of appearing more
grown-up to peers without the risk of being teased for “liking” someone. The vast majority of tweens believe that
dating someone means saying “I like you” directly to someone, holding hands, or
sending dozens of text messages to each other on a daily basis. For most tweens, “dating” serves as a way to
develop a deeper emotional friendship.
They
don’t even talk
Many tween dating relationships happen
through digital media. This can mean
messages through Facebook or through texting, which many tweens see as being
just as important in relationship development as actually talking to
someone. In fact, some tween “couples”
may not even know how to talk to each other in person. A February article in The
Wall Street Journal
described a 14-year-old couple that were “more than friends” who would send
each other over 300 text messages a day, but were socially awkward around each
other and couldn’t maintain a conversation.
While this type of relationship may sound innocent enough, it does lend
itself to the possibility of the relationship turning into one that includes
sexting—where sexually explicit messages and pictures are sent back and
forth.
The digital relationships are also ripe
for break-ups being handled poorly. Not
only is it possible to receive a text message that disintegrates the
relationship, but the aftermath can be devastating, too. After a break-up, a jilted tween can take
to Facebook, Twitter, or any of the various other social media to spread rumors and gossips about
their ex. With so many tweens connected
through these media platforms, the rumors can be spread much more quickly than
many parents ever imagined. This type of
gossip can quickly turn peer groups inside out and against one another, can
lead to cyberbullying, and can lead a tween being
outcast or rejected at school the following day. Depending on the nature of the situation, the
peers may even know the news before the tween!
Fears for parents
Knowing that tweens are emotionally
unprepared for dating, parents fear that the relationships will turn into
sexual relationships as well. Many
parents don’t want to face the idea that their tween is developing sexually any
earlier than necessary. After all, the
same child that still needs to be walked across a busy street can’t possibly be
ready for sex, right?
Data
on this issue can be troubling. The same 2008 survey by NDVH and TRU revealed that 28% of kids
between the ages off 11 and 14 believe that oral sex and intercourse are
expected in a dating relationship. Nearly 10% of those tweens reported that
they had gone further than kissing or making out. More than a third in the survey reported that
they knew of friends who had been pressured by a dating partner to “do things
that they didn’t want.” Rates of verbal
abuse in the relationships are also reported to be above 40%, which generally
starts as name calling, but progresses into more controlling behaviors over
time.
That’s
it! No dating!
Dating at earlier ages leads to
experimenting with sex at earlier ages.
Johanna Wright, a health teacher in New Jersey, stated, “What parents don’t understand is
these kids are experimenting with things in middle school that their parents
did when they were in
college. Kids are seeing things on TV
and on the internet and acting them out. We are experiencing a sexual
revolution and it’s only getting worse.”
She reports that she is counseling younger and younger children who have
contracted STDs and are engaging in sexual behaviors, sometimes even at school.
The
natural instinct of most parents would be to not allow their tweens to date at
all. However, this may be
counterproductive, especially if your tween is already dating. If you only say no, your tween may learn how
to date behind your back. In these
situations, you will be seen as someone who cannot be approached with questions
about dating, the opposite gender, and sexuality. This leaves the primary sources of
information to be TV, the internet, and equally misinformed peers. It also
increases the likelihood that a tween will engage in riskier behaviors, such as
vandalizing property or trying drugs.
What
do I do?
The
best way for you to make sure that your tweens get the information that you
want them to get about dating and sexuality is to be the one who provides them
with that information. For the most
part, health classes don’t cover dating and sexuality until long after tweens
have been exposed to media messages about dating and sexuality. I frequently see parents who express a denial
about their tweens’ development and refuse to talk about dating, yet their
children have no problem reciting the lyrics to Rihanna’s S
& M.
It’s
important to know that your first reactions to your tweens’ initial interest in
dating can set the tone for how much will be shared with you in the
future. You will find the most,
long-term success in setting boundaries around dating if you are responsive to
your tweens’ views. This means that
rather than giving a lecture about why you feel that your tweens shouldn’t
date, you should have a conversation (where you both talk and listen to each
other) about what dating means and what are acceptable dating behaviors. You may be surprised by how much or little
your tweens know about dating and sexuality, which may be difficult for you. However, this is a time for you to model for
your tween that this is a topic that you will be open to discussing with them
in grown up ways.
It’s
also important to make sure that you don’t have just one conversation about
dating and sexuality with your tweens.
This is something that gets more complex as your tweens get older. One
initial conversation won’t necessarily be something that is remembered when you
aren’t standing there with them. After
all, if you need to tell your tweens to clean their rooms ten times before they
do it, imagine how many times you will need to talk with them about the
important things in life.
Lastly,
don’t wait for your tween to come to you with questions about dating and
sexuality. They already feel
embarrassment about their changing bodies and social lives, and coming to you
with more shortcomings can be daunting.
It isn’t likely that your tweens will be eager to have these
conversations with you, much like it’s probably not easy to start these
conversations yourself. Either way,
start talking before it’s too late.
