It is time for one of the most joyous times of the
year for many parents: the days when your t(w)een goes back to school and has
to be dealt with by somebody else for seven solid hours out of the day!
Unfortunately, it also means the return of arguing, whining, nagging, and
eye-rolling—and that’s just on your end.
There are also the hours of homework, sports and instrument practice,
socialization, and family time that must be arranged around this new schedule. Most parents look at the weeks before school and
recite the same chorus that has been sung through the ages: THIS YEAR IS
GOING TO BE DIFFERENT!
Is it really?
What is it that you are going to do to make this
year different? Were you successful in making last year different from the one
before that? Who is making the decision on what to change and who is the most
motivated to make the changes permanent?
One of the most common changes that parents
implement at this time of year is “getting back into the habit of
bedtime”. As adults, we see this as a
time to help the body get into the habit of sleeping and waking so that
mornings won’t involve so much crankiness and the first weeks of school won’t
be so much of a shock. However, t(w)eens
seemingly see this as a final assault on the perceived freedoms allowed by the
last weeks of summer vacation. While
this does sort of practice does not seem like it is fruitful during the
practice week, it does make the first week of school somewhat less tense for
everybody involved—even if there is still a struggle to get everyone out of bed
on time.
I bring up this practice of sleeping and waking
because it highlights how to measure success.
No matter how well you and your t(w)een practice bedtimes, a part of you
knows that there will be mornings during the first weeks of school when your
t(w)een won’t get out of bed. Even if
your t(w)een gets out of bed on time most days, parents have a tendency to be biased in their thoughts and arguments based
on the more emotionally charged events that occur. In these cases, the one day that your t(w)een
oversleeps, the ensuing argument will be more emotional and more memorable,
making it seem as if your t(w)een always oversleeps.
But my t(w)een oversleeps all the time!
Your t(w)een may oversleep a lot, but I’m sure that
your t(w)een has a different opinion. This is why it is important to make sure
you set clear, specific goals so both you and your t(w)een understand the
desired outcomes. It is much easier to
set vague goals, but in order to know if you are succeeding, you need to have
some idea of what success looks like. If
the goal is for your t(w)een to do better at waking up in the morning, what
exactly does better look like? Your
t(w)een may think that getting up in the morning is going better because he
hasn’t received any tardies, but you may think that things are going horribly
because you are having to stop back at the school later in the day to drop off
all of the belonging that he didn’t have time to prepare on his way out the
door.
However, having set concrete goals allows for you
and your t(w)een to easily see just how much success you are having. Rather than a goal of “doing better”, try
being more specific by having a goal of “being out of bed, dressed, and to the
breakfast table by 6:30”. In the second
example, there is little room for argument on whether or not the goal is
met. The room for interpretation is
removed and there is one less thing to argue about during the morning rush.
It is also important to make sure that your goal is
reasonable. This means that you want to
make sure that outside factors aren’t going to sabotage the chances of success.
Does your t(w)een have practice until 9:00 p.m. most nights? Then it may
not be fair to have super high
expectations for productivity in the mornings.
Use your best judgment in these cases.
Setting the goals
Now that you have an idea of how to be specific and
reasonable, you are all ready to begin setting goals, right? Not so fast! You’re t(w)een isn’t there with
you. One of the mistakes that many parents make at this
time of year is setting goals without asking for any input from their
t(w)eens. What are goals without their
input? In your t(w)een’s eyes, these are just more rules to follow, complain
about, or ignore altogether.
This isn’t to say that you should leave the
goal-setting entirely up to your t(w)een.
The point is to start a conversation about making improvements or being
successful during the school year.
Properly set goals can inspire, challenge, and motivate anyone to reach
their highest levels of achievement. It helps most families to have specific areas to
focus their goals. These may be good
starting points:
-What are your goals for grades this year?
-What are your goals for organization (backpack, room, locker, etc…)?
-What are your goals for extracurricular activities?
While these are just a few areas, you can certainly
come up with many more. Since this is
the beginning of the conversation, this is also the time when you can give some
of your own input.
It is only fair for the whole family to join in and
set goals. If you, as the parents, exclude yourselves from this process, you
can expect very little follow through from your tweens. Each person can have individual goals for the
year, and I also encourage that goals are set for the entire family, too. These goals may take the form of, “Everyone
home and doing an activity together on Wednesday nights at 7:00” or “TV is off
during mealtimes.”
Setting the goals is only the beginning—you must
also make sure that you are measuring your progress and celebrating your successes. When you are setting your goals, make sure
that you schedule regular times to review your progress. Think of how well you’ve done on reaching
your New Year’s Resolution. If you
haven’t checked your progress lately, chances are you haven’t kept your
resolution. T(w)eens are even worse at
keeping long-term goals in mind, so it takes some extra responsibility on your
part to help them develop this skill. By following through, you’re getting rid
of the excuses to not succeed. Once you
and your t(w)eens reach your goals, make a big deal about the accomplishment
and celebrate your successes!
Other considerations
In addition to setting goals about home and school,
you may want to consider using this time of year as an opportunity to talk
about growth in other areas of life.
Your t(w)een’s identity is not entirely based on school success, so all
of the goals shouldn’t focus just on this one area. Be prepared and respectful of any goals that
your t(w)een may bring up that may not be tied directly to academics.
Furthermore, you may want to come up with goals that
are tied to more abstract concepts. Your
t(w)een may be expressing a desire for more independence, but may not
necessarily know how to ask for it—other than those times when your t(w)een is
yelling that you “always tell them what to do”. This is a good time to open a
discussion about the behaviors you expect in order for your t(w)een to earn
more independence, such as completing daily chores and nightly homework without
having to be reminded.
When it comes to supporting your t(w)een in reaching
these goals, it is important that you first provide emotional support, but
don’t be so quick to jump in and offer more direct support. It is important for you to ask questions
about your t(w)een’s thought processes and satisfaction in their progress
toward their goals, but letting your t(w)een struggle to will help teach
self-reliance and will build more self-satisfaction when the goal is completed.
You also want to be careful not to undermine your t(w)een by jumping in and
doing the work yourself.
It’s also developmentally normal and healthy for
t(w)een interests and ideas to change quickly, so be aware that goals may
change. Use your best judgment on which
goals need to be maintained for the entire year, and which ones you can let
change from week to week. Overemphasizing commitment can interfere with finding
a self-identity—which is the biggest developmental goal for t(w)eens. Encourage
your t(w)een to stick with the things that they are good at to make it clear
that those activities are worthwhile.
