Last month, I wrote about handling dating
for tweens. As a follow-up, this month
is dedicated to dating
issues surrounding parents of high-school aged teens.
It
starts with you
First things first, dating and relationship attitudes start with you, often
long before your child hits the teenage years.
How you view dating and marriage will determine the expectations that
your teen will develop once he
or she hits
high
school. If you want your teen to wait
until the age of 16 to start dating, and you clearly state your message, your teen will grow up with the attitude that
16 is the age to start dating. On a
different note, if you believe that dating shouldn’t happen until much later,
you need to be clear about what “later” means to you. The most important tool is to be consistent
with your messages and expectations.
Whether or not your teen actually seems
to be listening to you, one message that is being paid attention to is your
approach to relationships. Parents base
their thoughts and actions on previous and current relationships. However, teens don’t have these histories and
tend to model their relationship styles after the one that is most
familiar…yours. The interaction patterns
between you and your partner are setting the groundwork for the ways that your
teen will default in interactions with a boyfriend or girlfriend. This may scare some parents who are trying to
encourage their teens to be respectful and courteous to dating partners, yet
can’t show how to compromise and listen themselves. Some parents may be
wondering right now about how to teach their teens a different pattern of
behaviors than what happens at home. The
answer is: change the behaviors at home.
Speak
the same language
Changes in interests are bound to occur
from generation to generation, just as the language that is used by the teens
of that generation. It’s important for
parents to know and use the same language as their teens, otherwise you might
be running the risk of talking about entirely different subjects. The changes in language occur so quickly that
it may not even apply from older teens to younger teens, so have your teen
define what he or
she
means when
talking about a relationship. What many
parents may consider as dating, teens may refer to as “hanging out,”
“chilling,” or “hooking up.” These terms
may not even mean the same thing from teen to teen and may range in definition
from spending time with someone in a large group of friends all the way up to
and including engaging in sexual activities.
These
labels serve the purpose not only to allow for dating behaviors behind an unsuspecting parent’s back, but
also create
a
psychological safety net by not classifying a relationship into a serious,
committed category. More simply, when
the relationship goes bad, it is much easier emotionally to “stop hanging out”
with someone than it is to “break up.”
When you are talking with your teen, you
also want them to know what you are talking about when you bring up your
viewpoints. I recently came across a
survey written from the viewpoint of a teenager. The questions were variations of the
following: What does a parent mean when they say ‘Where are you going tonight?’
A) ‘Where are you going tonight?’ B) ‘Where are you going tonight and who is it
with?’ C) ‘Where are you going tonight, who is it with, and is it safe?’. Obviously this was meant to be humorous, but
it does highlight that parents can also be guilty of not communicating clearly
and effectively. More simply, if you want your teens to communicate effectively, you must be the one that models the
appropriate behaviors and patterns.
Otherwise, you run the risk of sending mixed messages. Remember, when given the choice of following
your words or examples, most teens will choose the one that’s easier.
Everything has changed
Parents
have done a good job of encouraging their teens to go on group dates. Initially, this provides a level of safety in
the dating atmosphere (and peace of mind for parents) by allowing a teen to be
able to rely on others in the group if there are uncomfortable situations. However, this is a double-edged sword. In groups, teens must now face the peer
pressures that come along with these situations, such as pressure to drink
alcohol. These teens may have a harder
time speaking up because they don’t want to stand out from the group in front
of a date.
Teens
no longer wait by the phone waiting for a phone call from a crush. Instead, many dates are set through text
messages or Facebook. Since teens also
meet each other online, the dates may be set with others who don’t even attend
the same school. For parents, this means
that there is less interaction with a child’s dating partners and less
opportunities to get to know the personality of who your child is dating. A parent’s imagination can create many
different scenarios with that limited amount of information.
One
major worry for parents is about their teens having sex. If it isn’t scary enough to worry about what
is happening out on a date, it’s also important to know that the RAND
Corporation has found that teen sex is most likely to occur between 3:00 and
6:00 p.m., which is the time after school when most parents are still at
work. Friends and peers who talk about
having sex are indicators that a teen may feel
pressured to also have sex, so listen to hear if your teen is reporting about
classmates who are having sex.
Boundaries
Parents
can make lists of rules for their teens to follow when it comes to dating, but
it is much easier and better for your relationship with your teen to set
boundaries instead. What’s the
difference? Rules tend to be set by a person in power (i.e. the parent) and are
often viewed by the other person (i.e. the teen) as a line in the sand that
will need to be crossed. On the other
hand, boundaries are the result of discussions that lead to what’s best for
everyone involved. Boundaries
are a mutual agreement set in advance
by the people in the discussion.
When it comes to your teen’s dating,
it’s important to set the boundaries ahead of time. Perhaps the most important boundary of all
that you want to set is that you are a loving and caring parent who wishes the
best for your teen. Serious discussions
about the transition into an independent adult are necessary for your teen to
fully feel like the lines of communication are open between the two of you. Next, have discussions about your own
expectations of your teen’s dating.
These can include anything from curfews to meeting your teen’s date
before they leave for the evening.
Just
as important as setting boundaries with your teen, it is also necessary to make sure
that your teen is able to set their own boundaries with their potential
dates. To help your teen better be able
to do this, help them to answer questions about their potential (or future)
date, such as: “What kind of person am I willing to date?”, “What kinds of
behavior am I willing to deal with from someone?”, and “Who can I turn to when I need help?” With this last question, be sure that you
aren’t sending mixed messages by saying that you will be supportive, but end up
blaming your teen when the situation arises.
There
may be some situations that are obvious
to you that aren’t quite as obvious to your teen. For example, if your teen
wants to date someone who is much older or younger, you will need to have a
discussion not
only about the differences
in maturity levels, friends, and privileges, but also about the potential legal
situations that may arise. You may also
be the first to notice that a dating partner is mistreating your teen, or is
being disrespectful to you. Lastly, you
will also have the best view of how dating affects your teens grades and
mood. It is best to outline this ahead
of time, and if any major changes are noticed, then dating can wait until
things are back under control.
Make
sure that you are upfront with your teen, especially on the tough issues, such as
boundaries and sex. Even if he
or she
doesn’t want to
hear it from you, you are giving
the
gift of being clear about your ideas. In
turn, this empowers your
teen to be able to be upfront about his or her own ideas, which will hopefully line up
with yours. You won’t know until you
sit down and talk (and listen).
