Over the weekend, I had the opportunity
to see the documentary Bully.
This movie examines the effects of bullying on five families across the
United States, and the responses of the surrounding communities to their
particular situations. The message of
the movie is incredible and has rightly sparked a growing conversation about
bullying in our country.
We’re
failing our kids
Jon Pease, the founder and director of
the non-profit Not-the-Target reports that only 4% of bullying is witnessed by
adults, which means that 96% goes unseen.
“If our children only receive 4% on their tests, we would be giving them
every intervention imaginable,” he says, “unfortunately, there’s nothing
holding adults to the same level of responsibility.”
Even for t(w)eens that muster the courage to turn to an
adult, they are often not met with understanding or care. In Bully, one target of bullying is forced
by the principal to shake hands with a student that has been bullying him. When the target refuses, the principal
attempts to convince him that he is as bad as the aggressor for not moving past
the events. At other points in the
movie, the principal openly placates parents who come for help in dealing with
bullying issues for their special needs child.
She also goes on to guarantee, much to the dismay of the parents, that
the school cannot do much to protect their son.
The targets of bullying most likely have
asked for help from an adult in the past and did not receive it. The expected response to bullying should be
that a parent intervenes by going to the school or directly to the parents of
the bully. When these steps don’t
produce the desired outcomes, great parents continue to make noise until change
is seen by going to higher levels of the school administration.
However, many parents and adults are at a
loss when it comes to dealing with chronic bullying. Not only do they not know what to do or say,
but they can give advice that is ineffective or puts their t(w)eens in even more danger than before. It’s after things become more dangerous that
many parents start to realize how bad things have been for their t(w)eens.
Unfortunately, their t(w)eens have often already decided that their
parents aren’t much help with these issues.
Advice
that we give
Some of the advice that parents give is
good—but only in certain situations.
When t(w)eens come for help with bullies, often
the first advice that is given is to, “Just ignore it.” This advice may be practical for instances of
verbal teasing during the early processes of bullying, but it’s an all encompassing
approach to dealing with a bully, especially when there are instances of physical bullying. The distinction between ignoring verbal
teasing and getting help needs to be made to all t(w)eens, along with positive steps to be safe in
the future.
One of the steps that often goes
overlooked by parents is talking with our t(w)eens is about avoiding the bully. Often times, adults give the message that
bullies “like the person” being targeted or that the target should try and
friend the bully. When bullying has
reached the point of being physical, t(w)eens should be taught not to try and friend
the bully. Much of the bullies strength
comes from the attention that they receive.
By not giving them the chance for attention, it shifts the power dynamic
more into the favor of the target.
Most importantly, t(w)eens should be encouraged to go to at least
three different adults to report bullying.
If the first one doesn’t respond, then they should go to the next
one. If that one doesn’t respond, go to
the next one. Targets of bullying often
feel alone in their troubles, which often contributes to them not seeking out
help because they feel that nobody understands what they are going through. By going to three adults, it improves the
odds that somebody will respond.
Nobody understands
T(w)eens may be saying, “Nobody understands what
I’m going through,” but what they usually mean is that “Nobody is listening to
my experience.” Many adults jump into
these conversations with statements like: “Bullying happens to everyone,” “It’s
part of growing up,” or “Stand up for yourself.” At best, these statements are dismissive
about the nature of what your t(w)eens are experiencing. At worst, these messages encourage a t(w)eens to physically put themselves into
dangerous situations.
The
unfortunate thing about this last message is that it is perpetuated repeatedly
by Hollywood. Remember in Back
to the Future when
George McFly punches the bully during the prom?
If you’ve seen the movie, you know that this moment changed the course of all
of the characters in the movie franchise.
What the movie left out was that the next day, Biff and his friends
would have come back to exact their revenge.
Bullying is, by definition, chronic.
A one time attack wouldn’t change the usual pattern between the
aggressors and targets.
When
an adults dismiss their t(w)eens experience, it discourages the
t(w)eens from wanting to open up in the
future. T(w)eens really want their experience
validated without judgment. This means
listening to what they have experienced and resisting your urge to jump in to
fix the problems. Your t(w)eens have feelings based on tough situations
and need to know that you are a safe person to whom those feelings can be
expressed. Regardless of your previous
experiences, your best course of action is to show that you are willing to
listen.
The
next step is to encourage your t(w)eens to come up with solutions for the
problem. Again, you need to be able to
listen without judgment, even if some of the ideas are impossible or
ridiculous. By doing this, you are not
only continuing to validate their experience, but you are also encouraging your
t(w)eens to develop problem-solving
skills. You can help your t(w)eens follow up on the solutions that require
the assistance of an adult. This is also
the point in time when you can offer solutions.
Crowd
control
The
message of Bully is that bullying is a problem and
something needs to be done about it.
It’s a documentary that is doing its part to start a much needed
conversation about a very serious topic. However, the movie isn’t very explicit
about how bullying should be addressed.
The message that needs to stated more clearly is that the witnesses and
bystanders hold much of the responsibility in the bullying process.
In
the bullying process, bystanders have the power to encourage the bully, stop
the bully, or to get help from an adult.
An important step for parents and schools is to encourage the bystanders
and witnesses to get help and not to fall silent. Many t(w)eens feel that by coming forward that they
will become the bully’s next target, which can be true in some instances. However, by working with t(w)eens and schools to create an environment
where the witnesses are encouraged to come forward to a safe adult, it will
help to break the cycle. But everyone,
especially the adults in the school, needs to understand that these students
are not tattling, but are actually trying to stop a chronic problem. One idea is to create a “Bully Box” where
students can anonymously drop a piece of paper with dates, times, locations,
and the names of students who are involved in bullying. School officials can then review the
students’ names that appear in the box, especially those whose names appear
repeatedly.
Targeting
the targets
Dan Olweus, considered to be the grandfather
of anti-bullying research, advocates that the targets of bullying shouldn’t be
made to feel like they did anything wrong.
Unfortunately, many anti-bullying campaigns take this out of context and
don’t encourage any interventions with the targets. The hurt experienced by the targets is very
real and needs to be addressed to help work on skills that can stop the cycle
of bullying. Empowering the targets with
social skills, esteem building, and practical help will help them to not only
be resistant to the bullies in their lives now, but also with any bullies that
they may encounter in the future.
