Exploring the Stuckness by Danielle Bolduc

Feeling stuck in therapy can be frustrating for both the client and the therapist. Stuckness appears when the therapy process is unable to move forward and surrounding feelings are difficult to access. Both clients and therapists can feel stuck. When a therapist is stuck it can feel as though you are not meeting the client’s goals and feel disconnected in the therapeutic relationship. Therapist may feel impatient or worried that the client will abruptly terminate. This is a result of the client hitting their perceived capacity at that moment causing them to shut down as a defense mechanism to indicate they have hit their maximum. Clients may say, “I don’t know” a lot, feel resistant in the room and/or may struggle with being present with the therapist.

A client may have had a breakthrough in treatment, which may lead them to an overwhelming state that causes them to be at a standstill in therapy. Clients may hold onto the fear of moving forward as a result of going deeper into their past and experiencing feelings without the tools they used to used to numb feelings, such as eating disorder behaviors. Another indicator of stuckness can be portrayed by the client’s need to put on a front that they are “fine” and better than they actually are at the moment. If the therapist is unable to perceive this underlying message, the client can easily fall back into old patterns, which can result in leaving treatment and/or relapsing.  

How can clinicians work with clients when they are stuck? Use the stuckness and the therapeutic relationship that you have built with the client together and be transparent. Is it just the therapist who feels stuck? Does the client feel what the therapist is feeling? How do both the therapist and the client perceive the energy that is in the room? Self-disclosure can be helpful in this instance as the client may not be able to identify what the energy is that is causing the disconnection in the relationship. By allowing the client to know what the therapist feels is going on they have the opportunity to process and explore what is causing the client and therapist to be stuck.

As an example of this, one of my clients has been stuck in the therapy process for a couple of weeks. She struggles with constant negative thoughts about her body image and her worth as a person with no hope that it will improve. After a couple of sessions not feeling confident in my ability to help this client, I directed our attention to the stuckness. Asking questions about where she felt she was in this process and if she felt the same energy I did. The client discussed how she had felt stuck for a couple of months, but avoided talking about it because it meant she was a “bad” client or that I would be frustrated with her. Exploring the stuckness with the client and sitting in it allowed us both to identify what was underneath it all: the fear that she will always be depressed and will never be comfortable in her own skin. This turned into one our better sessions and helped her to focus on what she needed to do differently. As for clinicians, a lot can come from of a session like this by just identifying that the stuckness is present. It allows for a new look and can be the cornerstone for change!

The Power of Slowing Down by Danielle Feinerman, MA

High-achieving teenagers are in a constant state of ‘doing’.  Doing homework, going to school, practicing a skill…auditioning, competing, applying, volunteering, working, socializing – trying to do everything they are told to do in order to get ahead of the pack and succeed. 

Alvin Rosenfeld, M.D., a child psychiatrist and author says, "Overscheduling our children is not only a widespread phenomenon, it's how we parent today.”  He explains how “parents feel remiss that they're not being good parents if their kids aren't in all kinds of activities.”  According to psychologist Jean Twenge’s analysis of research spanning five decades, today’s adolescents are overtaxed, overburdened, and stressed to a degree that was once seen only in child psychiatric patients. 

In today’s society, it can feel like if we’re not doing something, it means that we are complacent, lazy, or a failure.  For some, it is a part of family values or culture to always be doing.  For others, the fear of missing out provokes too much anxiety, sadness, or feelings of isolation, especially when friends will be talking about it afterwards or posting pictures on social media. For many, it is the fear of falling behind, the fear of letting someone down, or the terrifying thought that our entire life will fall apart unless we keep doing everything all the time – that is, until we crash or burnout.

The best treatment is actually what feels most counterintuitive: slow down. However, there is compelling evidence that shows how slowing down can actually improve productiveness and increase happiness.  Consider these examples:

1.     Slowing down prevents burnout.  Burnout is a symptom that most of us experience at some point in our lives, and guarantees a longer and more difficult process when it comes to achieving our goals.  By slowing down, moving at a gentler pace and respecting the natural process, the less likely you will become fatigued, anxious, depressed, or get sick.

2.     Slowing down helps you gain clarity and make better decisions. As everything moves a bit too fast it is easy to get lost.  Slowing down lets us reconnect with what is most important to us, allows us to gain multiple perspectives and to think things through in a calm and clear way.  

3.     Slowing down helps us make fewer mistakes. Slowing your pace to be more meticulous and measured means that you will probably make fewer mistakes. And the mistakes you do make will be much easier to understand and correct.

4.     Slowing down reduces stress levels.  Research on mindfulness meditation (one practice of slowing down) has been shown to not only be beneficial for stress reduction, but also help your brain develop a greater capacity for cognitive tasks, attention and focus.

5.     Slowing down helps us enjoy the present moment.  More activities in the absence of quality slow time do not make for a better life either for you or your family.  Slowing down and having unscheduled, spontaneous and unplanned time for yourself and your family is critical to both work-life balance and feeling happier.

The Trouble with Peers by Curt Widhalm, LMFT

Feeling stuck in therapy can be frustrating for both the client and the therapist. Stuckness appears when the therapy process is unable to move forward and surrounding feelings are difficult to access. Both clients and therapists can feel stuck. When a therapist is stuck it can feel as though you are not meeting the client’s goals and feel disconnected in the therapeutic relationship. Therapist may feel impatient or worried that the client will abruptly terminate. This is a result of the client hitting their perceived capacity at that moment causing them to shut down as a defense mechanism to indicate they have hit their maximum. Clients may say, “I don’t know” a lot, feel resistant in the room and/or may struggle with being present with the therapist.

A client may have had a breakthrough in treatment, which may lead them to an overwhelming state that causes them to be at a standstill in therapy. Clients may hold onto the fear of moving forward as a result of going deeper into their past and experiencing feelings without the tools they used to used to numb feelings, such as eating disorder behaviors. Another indicator of stuckness can be portrayed by the client’s need to put on a front that they are “fine” and better than they actually are at the moment. If the therapist is unable to perceive this underlying message, the client can easily fall back into old patterns which can result in leaving treatment and/or relapsing.  

How can clinicians work with clients when they are stuck? Use the stuckness and the therapeutic relationship that you have built with the client together and be transparent. Is it just the therapist who feels stuck? Does the client feel what the therapist is feeling? How do both the therapist and the client perceive the energy that is in the room? Self-disclosure can be helpful in this instance as the client may not be able to identify what the energy is that is causing the disconnection in the relationship. By allowing the client to know what the therapist feels is going on they have the opportunity to process and explore what is causing the client and therapist to be stuck.

T(w)eenage Parenting #18: Pants on Fire

Your t(w)eens lies.  A lot.  To you. To friends. To relatives. To teachers. And without any discretion.  Even when all evidence points to the contrary, your t(w)eens continue to lie. The topic doesn’t even matter.  Whether it’s about chores, social interactions, grooming, homework, their whereabouts, or their plans, they continue to lie. It may seem like the lying is nonstop and you can't effectively change it.

Why t(w)eens lie

Developmentally, lying is considered a growth milestone that occurs around age four or five.  Many toddlers will deceive before this age, but it is typically after this age that a child’s motivations to lie become motivated by deception rather than by a motivation to please.  Over the t(w)een years, your t(w)een starts to lie for a myriad of other reasons, including learning how to be better at lying.

Why does a t(w)een need to be better at lying? Think of the degrees of lying, some of which have socially sanctioned names, such as “white lies”, “truthiness”, and “shades of gray”.  Sometimes parents encourage their children to lie, such as thanking someone for a less than desirable gift.  Sometimes parents lie to their children, and then need the children to perpetuate the lies for younger siblings, which is seen in the cases of the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus. As t(w)eens mature and recognize that sometimes lying is ok or even encouraged, they will test different situations by using trial and error with varying degrees of lying.

T(w)eens also lie to avoid consequences.  In these situations, it is easy to understand what is being gained by lying.  By avoiding consequences, t(w)eens don’t lose out on privileges or have to serve out punishments.

Social motivation is also the cause of lies.  These lies can include stories about belongings or experiences, neither of which may actually be true.  What these deceptions have in common is that they are often based on the attention of others.  That attention can include an improvement in social standing from their peers or from others who the t(w)eens hold in high regard.  What adults recognize in these situations that t(w)eens often don’t is the consequences when these lies eventually fall apart, mainly the significant drop in social status and the loss of other people’s trust.

T(w)eens also lie to save face and to hide their shortcomings. Whether or not it is done intentionally, many t(w)eens will lie so that they can perpetuate the idea that they are good child.  Many t(w)eens operate under a system of “all good” or “all bad” when it comes to their own self-concept, and they believe that other people operate under the same system.  T(w)eens don’t want to believe that they are bad and don’t want others to think so, either.  When they lie, they are trying to convince themselves and others that they are not bad. By this logic, however faulty it is, they believe that being “not bad” is the same as being good.  What they fail to realize is that the lying is often considered by others to be an action done by bad people.

A lot of what lying boils down to is freedom for the t(w)eens; they want to be seen as responsible individuals, free of being told what to do and how to behave. Unfortunately, t(w)eens aren’t very good at seeing how their lies may play out in the eyes of others, then get frustrated that they aren’t trusted anymore when things backfire. This is where many parents find themselves listening to promises of “I won’t do it again” or “I will change.”  These are situations that can become traps for entire families, because often it sets up t(w)eens to be caught in yet another lie or it puts parents in a situation where they can no longer trust what their t(w)eens tell them. Repeated enough times, this can lead to a cycle of mistrust that exists into adulthood and fractures relationships for years to come.

What to do about it

Many parents are under the impression that their t(w)een should never lie, especially to them.  So when your t(w)een lies to you, you suffer not only from the contents of the deception, but also from the hurt of the act of lying.  The logical question that many parents ask in this situation is, “What can I do to make my t(w)een stop lying to me?”  Unfortunately, there isn’t just one solution.  Just as there are different reasons for lying, there are as different ways to address them.

First, you need to change your approach. When you know information about your t(w)een, don’t set him up to lie to you. So when you find out that your t(w)een went to a party last weekend rather than going to the library, don’t ask him, “Where were you last weekend?” Instead, tell him the information that you do know and let him react accordingly. When you respond this way, you are modeling honesty yourself and being straightforward about your role as a parent. If he continues to lie, state the facts again: that he lied to you, you know where he was, and he has lied to you again despite being given the chance to come clean.

Second, stop lying to and in front of your t(w)een. Remember that t(w)eens will sniff out any double standards, so if you expect them to stop lying to you, stop lying to them. You probably don’t even know often much you lie on a daily basis. A 1997 University of Virginia study asked people to track their lies over the course of a week—and subjects reported that they lied nearly 30% of the time, and they didn’t even include social pleasantries (answering “I’m fine” to “How are you?”). So the next time that you’re late, even if it’s more convenient to say that you were stuck in traffic, remember that you are modeling honesty.

Next, it helps to figure out the reason that your t(w)een is lying in the first place. Is the lie about getting chores done so that your t(w)een can go out with friends? Or is the lie about your t(w)een’s whereabouts after school yesterday? Each type of lie needs to be addressed for what it is. In one case, your t(w)een is trying to avoid responsibility, while in the other he is lying about something that he shouldn’t have been doing in the first place.  Addressing the type of lie will help you to understand why your t(w)een is lying in the first place. If he’s trying to go out with friends, is it because he’s trying to impress new people? If he’s untruthful about his whereabouts, is he trying to impress new people who aren’t good role models? Once you know the reason for lying, you can help your t(w)een problem solve in the future or address the issue in a more straightforward manner.

When you do catch your t(w)een lying to you, you have a choice of how to respond. Is it more important to be the disciplinarian? If so, you may be sending the message to your t(w)een that he can’t come to you with information that will make you mad. Instead, think of the t(w)eenage years as the time to move into more of a coaching role, including coaching on emotions. So when he lies to you, make it a point to calmly talk about your own hurt about being lied to, and deal with the contents of the lie as a separate matter.

When you feel that lying has become your t(w)een’s way of dealing with everything, it can become even more frustrating and stressful for you. Instead of attempting to address each and every lie, make a general observation to your t(w)een about how much he seems to be lying and how hard it is to trust him. Have a serious discussion with him about ways that he can show that he is being truthful, then give him the honest chance to follow through.

Spending time with your t(w)een on a day-to-day basis will also help build a stronger relationship, which will help to lower the amount of lying. Engaging in activities with your t(w)een, of your t(w)een’s choosing, will help to create trust between the two of you. This way, your t(w)een won’t see you merely as a disciplinarian who must be avoided, but as someone who is genuinely interested in him and his interests. I suggest that you choose time when you are doing an activity together, not just staring at a TV screen. If you do find yourself watching a TV show or movie during your daily time together, ask your t(w)een about his thoughts about it after it ends.

The long and the short of it

In all likelihood, your t(w)een will probably continue to lie. It may seem like your t(w)een lies just for the sake of lying sometimes.  Keep your reactions in check. Respond to the lies as something separate from the contents of the lie. Be a good role mode and encourage honesty from your t(w)een.

In Response to the Commenters from "I am Adam Lanza's Mother"

In the wake of the tragedy in Newtown, CT, a beautiful blog titled "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" was posted by Liza Long and has been shared by many people on Facebook.  I am impressed by the outpouring of support that many of the people on my Facebook feed have shown, especially by those who have come out with their own stories about parenting a child with mental illness.  It's unfortunate that these are some of the only times that these parents will be heard because their struggles truly happen on a day-to-day basis.  Unfortunately, there seems to be a community that is also responding to this article with suggestions filled with dangerous and insensitive hate and ignorance.

The range of suggestions are downright scary and many threaten the progress that enables the freedoms that we enjoy in this country.  What these commenters are unable to see is that these are not merely children that need a spanking to "straighten them out." These are children who suffer an illness that doesn't have a cure yet. Their response when stressed isn't to think about the consequences afterward, but to react in a way that allows them out of the situation, which can include anything from screaming and yelling to hitting, biting, and attacking.  It's not a choice--it's part of the condition.  This is akin to telling a child with diabetes that if his blood sugar gets too low, he should think sweet thoughts or telling a cancer patient that he should encourage his healthy cells to do better.  I myself have worked with many families who have decided to become stricter and firmer and use stronger forms of discipline, only to realize that at some point, the child grows bigger and stronger and can't be restrained anymore.  Further, through the process, the child learns that when he gets angry, it's going to be met with physical resistance, so fighting and being angrier is the best way out of the situation.

For those commenters who suggest that the family members failed, please visit a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) meeting and listen to the families that struggle with these choices.  There is pain and guilt involved in every decision. Their lives can be dominated by trying to find answers with hours spent in the waiting rooms of therapists while their loved ones struggle themselves.  It's not a choice to have mentally ill children, siblings, or parents.  The reason that you don't hear from these family members is because of the rude reactions by the public.  Rather than taking the time to understand mental illness, many people in public are quick to make disparaging comments that call into question or shame the individuals and the family.  Day after day, it becomes easier to stay away from the public than it is to deal with the ridicule and torment.

One particularly appalling comment suggested stripping the rights and freedoms away from those with mental illness.  In the comment thread that followed, the original poster defended his rights to guns (I promise I'm not making this a gun issue) as well as suggested locking up those who have mental illnesses.  Unfortunately, we aren't that far removed from the Willowbrook State School where individuals with mental illnesses and developmental disabilities were crowded into some of the most inhumane conditions in our lifetimes--for the only reason that they were identified as being mentally ill.  For the same reasons that we retain our rights in this country, so does everyone else.  We give everyone the chance to succeed.  We don't want to push people away from mental health even further.  Making policies to criminalize mental illness will only push people who can and do receive help and success away from their therapists, medications, and treatments.  Marginalizing those who do receive treatment even further takes away the opportunities for them to succeed and contribute successfully to our society.

I can't address every type of comment on that thread, but it really boils down to a lack of awareness about mental illness and developmental disabilites. Many more details are going to emerge about Adam Lanza in the following days and weeks.  Be respectful to those who have supportive stories and take the time to listen-to actually listen to their experience-rather than offering up a suggestion about what they need.  Hopefully you never have an family member go through these struggles, but that doesn't mean that you have to take away the rights of those who do.

T(w)eenage Parenting #17: Cutting and Self Injury

The thought of a t(w)een who is self-cutting evokes the image of gothic adolescent listening to The Cure all alone with a razor blade. However, when we really look at the behaviors and emotions that surround a t(w)een who is cutting, we see that these stereotypes don't apply to all t(w)eens who cut.

What is Cutting?

Cutting is a self-injurious behavior in an attempt at body-mutilation.  While cutting is typically done with sharp objects, such as knives, razors, or scissors, it can also be done by repetitively rubbing any object over the same area, including zippers, erasers, and pen caps.  The cutting is not done with the intent to commit suicide, although it may seem like it due to cuts that accidentally go too deep.  There is also a different psychological drive than those who attempt suicide by cutting their wrists.

The psychological differences between self-injury and suicidality are different enough that the American Psychiatric Association is likely to create a new diagnostic category in 2013 for Non-Suicidal Self Injury. The proposed diagnosis uses criteria that the injuries are not caused with the intent of suicide as either reported by the patient or by looking at the patterns of the injuries over the course of the last year (the proposal suggests a minimum of five such injuries over the past twelve months).  Another distinction is that the t(w)een engaging in the acts knows that the method being used does not have lethal intention, which is often seen in the superficial depth of the wounds, as opposed to the deeper wounds associated with suicide attempts.

Research from the 1990's suggested that less than 3% of all 10-18-year-olds engaged in cutting behaviors. Most current research investigates cutting behaviors in t(w)eens as a demographic, but does not examine differences between genders. The few reports that do separate males and females suggest that while only 8-10% of males engage in cutting behaviors, as many as 20% of females in this age range are cutting themselves with sharp objects or burning themselves with matches or lighters.  A 2008 study from Yale University found that 56% of 10-14-year-old females had engaged in self-injury, including 36% in the past year. But these gender differences only tell part of the story.

Who is Cutting?

While females are more likely to cut, there are even more specific demographics and behaviors that may dictate who is most likely to engage in self-harming behaviors. Caucasian females who are in middle or high school who come from in-tact, middle or upper class families are the most likely to cut.  Typically, but not always, the t(w)eens who engage in this type of behavior are high-achievers who attempt to maintain a picture of perfection surrounding them and their achievements.

Why is this group so prevalent? The t(w)eens who engage in these behaviors have a difficulty expressing their feelings, which can lead to extreme emotional reactions to minor occurrences, such as a small argument with a parent or friend. These girls also have the most to lose socially by having emotional blow-ups. Cutting allows for a physical release of the built up emotional pain without creating a scene that would risk a loss of social status. This is also why wounds are most often hidden; in order to protect their social status and image of perfection, t(w)een girls will conceal the evidence.

Males tend to not have the same repercussions for emotional blow-ups. Sometimes, these are encouraged, such as using the emotion in football or other aggressive arenas. The general idea is that males act outwardly, where females act inwardly. Males who usually engage in cutting behaviors tend to have few friends or are otherwise considered outcasts by their peers. The behavior may also be an act of aggression toward someone else.

What to Watch for

T(w)eens who engage in cutting typically exhibit certain behaviors or signs to hide the marks left from their injuries.  Signs that a t(w)een is cutting include wearing long-sleeve shirts or long pants during warm weather, wearing thick wristbands or watches that are never removed, having unexplained marks on the body, reports of being clumsy that lead to suspicious scrapes or bruises, spending lengthy periods of time alone, having friends or peers who are reportedly cutting, and the disappearance of items that can be used for cutting (knives, razors, safety pins, etc.).

Cutting can take on addictive qualities, both physically and emotionally.  From a physical standpoint, the body produces a rush of endorphins, which are the body's "feel good" chemicals that counteract the initial pain. Emotionally, however, it becomes a habitual way to tolerate difficult emotional responses to stressors. In these cases the addiction to cutting isn't for the physical rush, but as the "go to" response for stress relief, which can be anything from too much homework to breaking up with a boyfriend. Eventually, if left untreated, the t(w)een feels the need to cut more frequently as it does not produce the same emotional release as before.

A few months ago, I had a client in my practice that reported cutting behaviors. The client reported engaging in the behavior during school with friends, purely as a social activity.  In these cases, cutting can be seen as attention-seeking from peers.  What may have started with one person who has deeper psychological problems has turned into a social status symbol.  Much in the same way that peer groups can go through eating disorders at the same time (binge groups or restricting groups), cutting can become a fad, too.  In these groups, the cutting can escalate much more quickly as the scars become signs that state, "Look how much pain I can tolerate."

How Parents Should Respond

If you suspect or know that your child is engaging in cutting, your response can dictate the course of the treatment. Many parents initial reactions range from disbelief to outright rage.  I find that many parents try to rationalize with their t(w)eens, making such statements as, "What were you thinking? Didn't you know it was going to hurt for days afterward?!", or "Don't you know what you are doing to your body long-term?!" While these are completely normal emotional reactions from parents, they aren't necessarily the most productive from the t(w)een's standpoint, and can actually make the cutting behaviors worse. Remember, the t(w)eens who engage in these behaviors typically have difficulty expressing their feelings, so putting them on the spot with a barrage of questions isn't going to provide them with a safe, emotional atmosphere to open up to you.

You may not realize that you could be contributing to the problems at home. Pushing kids to be high achievers or to avoid showing weakness can have negative effects. If your response in the past has been to dictate and control aspects of your t(w)een's life, you may want to give more emotional space to your t(w)een to let her speak up about her own experiences. While it can be anxiety-provoking for parents to hear what is happening with their t(w)eens, it is important for parents to keep their own emotions in check. This means accepting that you are having an emotional reaction and admitting that you are having the emotion to your t(w)een. For instance, this can sound like, "I'm afraid of what you're going through."

Some parents fear that if they are too supportive of their t(w)een, then the t(w)een will take it as permission to continue cutting. While this may be true in some cases, you really want to establish open communication between you and your t(w)een about cutting behaviors. From a purely risk-reduction standpoint, you are better off knowing about the cutting than having your t(w)een continue to hide the behavior from you. By acknowledging that there is an issue, you and your t(w)een can begin finding appropriate ways to handle responses to stress.

The best thing that you can do is to learn more about cutting and have your t(w)een evaluated by a therapist for the severity of the cutting behaviors and any underlying factors. Know that not all cutting behaviors need to be treated through prolonged therapy, as in the cases of social cutting. These behaviors occur on a spectrum and can range from very serious to somewhat benign. The best way to find out is through open communication.

T(w)eenage Parenting #16: Anger is your t(w)een’s middle name (Part One)

You aren’t crazy.  Your t(w)een is overreacting to everything, doesn’t respect anything you say or do, and seems to know everything.  Nothing that you can say or do that is right, you never know what the reaction is going to be, and you even start to mistrust your own judgment.  When you question your own sanity, something needs to change.

It’s biology’s fault

The good news is that your t(w)een is not (entirely) choosing to act this way.  Researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA conducted a study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to compare how teens and adults process emotions.  The results showed that adults processed emotions in the frontal cortex region of the brain, which is roughly the size of an adult’s fist. Teens, however, processed emotions in the amygdala, which is roughly almond-sized. This difference is significant because of the roles that these two brain structures play in a fully developed human brain.

The frontal cortex is responsible for executive functioning.  This is the part of the brain responsible for guiding intelligent thoughts, actions, and emotions.  It is also responsible for inhibiting inappropriate thoughts, actions, feelings, and distractions.  The pre-frontal cortex occupies a larger percentage of the human brain than in any other mammal.  This is one of the last sections of the entire body to develop and may not be fully functioning until the age of twenty-five. Comparatively, the amygdala is part of the limbic system, which is a set of brain structures shared by mammals and reptiles and is primarily used in the storage of memories. It also assists in the processing of internal emotions and their of others—especially anger and aggression.   Until the frontal cortex is fully developed, the amygdala takes on some of its responsibilities.

In other words, your t(w)een’s brain is overloading a very small structure with the responsibilities intended for something much larger.  Additionally, the specialty of this small structure is anger and aggression—so when it becomes overloaded, there is likely to be an oncoming outburst. Reactions, not rational thought, guide this area of the brain.

“I knew my t(w)een wasn’t all there!”

This isn’t to say that your t(w)een isn’t responsible for the angry reactions. Just because biology gives t(w)eens a disadvantage doesn’t mean that they are pardoned for their erratic moods and behaviors.  It does mean that parents need to have a little bit of understanding when it comes to responding to their t(w)eens’ reactions. Always remember that you are the adult in charge, which means that you are the one who is responsible for being the mature person in the room.

The struggle that many parents encounter is the activation of their own amygdala.  When presented with an angry person (including one’s own child), the brain activates the “fight or flight” response in the limbic system.  In this scenario, the limbic system is telling the body to prepare to fight or run away.  As adults, the frontal cortex will override the amygdala, but not before that initial urge to engage your t(w)een’s anger.  Responding in a cool and collected manner will encourage your t(w)een to calm down as well.  In these events, you want to encourage appropriate communication, and the most effective way to do that is to model the appropriate tone and volume.  If you respond by yelling and screaming, you are giving your t(w)een the permission to do the same.

You also need to be aware of placing too much attention on angry behaviors.  Nagging a t(w)een will lead to resentment and frustration, while focusing on what is being done correctly will emphasize appropriate behaviors for the future. Creating a positive environment will lead to more positive behaviors from everyone involved.

Feelings aren’t a bad thing

One mistake that many parents make is encouraging their children to not be angry.  This is probably one of the least productive things that can be said to a t(w)een, for a variety of reasons. The thought behind this is, “If the t(w)een doesn’t get angry, then he won’t act out, and then he won’t get into trouble.” However, this does not work.

First of all, it is not the feelings that are bad, it is the behaviors that are associated with the feelings that are the cause for trouble. What many parents are not able to explain clearly, is that the t(w)een can be angry and that there is an appropriate way to express that anger.  Typically, parents don’t recognize an appropriate anger reaction, which can then lead to the build-up of more anger and a bigger anger explosion. Make it a practice to listen to your t(w)eens’ views (even if they are about you) and validate their viewpoints, even if you disagree with them. To do it appropriately, it should sound like a summary of what you have just been told, “I hear that you are angry that I won’t let you stay out with your friends on Friday night.” You don’t have to agree with their viewpoints, but validating their ideas will help move things along in the conversation.

Second, the “Don’t be angry” message invalidates a t(w)een’s perceptions of the world. This message implicitly tells a t(w)een, “You are wrong. Stop being you.” T(w)eens are already insecure enough about everything that is going on in their lives; they are unsure about their roles socially and personally, and they want to be seen as productive and perfect. This message undermines all of the things that they are trying to be, tells them to stop developing their own viewpoints, and doesn’t give them anything to do instead. You always want to encourage your t(w)een with things that can be done in place of their outbursts, such as cooling off by themselves rather than screaming at you.

Lastly, the “Don’t get angry” message doesn’t necessarily look at the whole picture. While you may be trying to address the earliest stage in the anger process, you may fail to look at what is causing the anger in the first place. Finding solutions to the anger-causing problems will consistently produce the best and longest-lasting results. For example, a t(w)een who is overwhelmed by not having enough time to complete homework, while another t(w)een may be getting angry at perceiving being treated differently than other siblings in the house. In both of these cases, either by changing the schedule or by changing the treatment of the children in the house, it sets up the t(w)een to be less likely to direct anger inappropriately.

Not all anger needs to be addressed

Without the anger-management skills that come with maturity and experience, we can expect t(w)eens to express their anger in many different ways. One of the more common ways that t(w)eens express anger is through passive-aggressive comments or actions, such as mumbling under their breath, rolling their eyes, or stomping around the house. While not the most pleasant behaviors to be around, these particular behaviors are ways of letting the anger out a little bit at a time. You could choose to make an issue out of each of these little steps, but you would do so at the risk of creating a bigger explosion. If the phrase, “Pick your battles” comes to mind, this are the situations where it applies the most. The time to address these behaviors is when they are occurring in public or in front of guests.

When you do decide to address anger, make sure that you do so in a consistent manner. If you haphazardly choose to address the expression of anger in some situations but not others, or in some of your children and not others, then you risk not having your message come across at all. The easiest way for you to do this is to set the rule and the consequence and let your t(w)een’s actions dictate the follow-up. This will teach your t(w)een responsibility without causing you all of the anxiety of preventing the rule from being broken in the first place.

The anger that must be consistently addressed is anything that involves physicality. Physical aggression is never okay and must be dealt with calmly, consistently, and appropriately. At times, this means seeking the help of a professional to identify patterns and strategies that apply specifically to that t(w)een and family. It may be difficult to convince your t(w)een to accept help, but it is a small price to pay when people’s safety is involved.