In Response to the Commenters from "I am Adam Lanza's Mother"

In the wake of the tragedy in Newtown, CT, a beautiful blog titled "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" was posted by Liza Long and has been shared by many people on Facebook.  I am impressed by the outpouring of support that many of the people on my Facebook feed have shown, especially by those who have come out with their own stories about parenting a child with mental illness.  It's unfortunate that these are some of the only times that these parents will be heard because their struggles truly happen on a day-to-day basis.  Unfortunately, there seems to be a community that is also responding to this article with suggestions filled with dangerous and insensitive hate and ignorance.

The range of suggestions are downright scary and many threaten the progress that enables the freedoms that we enjoy in this country.  What these commenters are unable to see is that these are not merely children that need a spanking to "straighten them out." These are children who suffer an illness that doesn't have a cure yet. Their response when stressed isn't to think about the consequences afterward, but to react in a way that allows them out of the situation, which can include anything from screaming and yelling to hitting, biting, and attacking.  It's not a choice--it's part of the condition.  This is akin to telling a child with diabetes that if his blood sugar gets too low, he should think sweet thoughts or telling a cancer patient that he should encourage his healthy cells to do better.  I myself have worked with many families who have decided to become stricter and firmer and use stronger forms of discipline, only to realize that at some point, the child grows bigger and stronger and can't be restrained anymore.  Further, through the process, the child learns that when he gets angry, it's going to be met with physical resistance, so fighting and being angrier is the best way out of the situation.

For those commenters who suggest that the family members failed, please visit a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) meeting and listen to the families that struggle with these choices.  There is pain and guilt involved in every decision. Their lives can be dominated by trying to find answers with hours spent in the waiting rooms of therapists while their loved ones struggle themselves.  It's not a choice to have mentally ill children, siblings, or parents.  The reason that you don't hear from these family members is because of the rude reactions by the public.  Rather than taking the time to understand mental illness, many people in public are quick to make disparaging comments that call into question or shame the individuals and the family.  Day after day, it becomes easier to stay away from the public than it is to deal with the ridicule and torment.

One particularly appalling comment suggested stripping the rights and freedoms away from those with mental illness.  In the comment thread that followed, the original poster defended his rights to guns (I promise I'm not making this a gun issue) as well as suggested locking up those who have mental illnesses.  Unfortunately, we aren't that far removed from the Willowbrook State School where individuals with mental illnesses and developmental disabilities were crowded into some of the most inhumane conditions in our lifetimes--for the only reason that they were identified as being mentally ill.  For the same reasons that we retain our rights in this country, so does everyone else.  We give everyone the chance to succeed.  We don't want to push people away from mental health even further.  Making policies to criminalize mental illness will only push people who can and do receive help and success away from their therapists, medications, and treatments.  Marginalizing those who do receive treatment even further takes away the opportunities for them to succeed and contribute successfully to our society.

I can't address every type of comment on that thread, but it really boils down to a lack of awareness about mental illness and developmental disabilites. Many more details are going to emerge about Adam Lanza in the following days and weeks.  Be respectful to those who have supportive stories and take the time to listen-to actually listen to their experience-rather than offering up a suggestion about what they need.  Hopefully you never have an family member go through these struggles, but that doesn't mean that you have to take away the rights of those who do.