Tweens have it tough these days. The transition to middle school is an absolute culture shock, with completely new peer groups, teachers, amounts of homework, and opportunities to try new things. Add to this all of the physical changes that their bodies are going through, and you’ve got a very confused, overstressed teen on your hands. Additionally, parents expect more out of teens around the house. That means more chores, taking care of younger siblings, and many other things.
As they transition from childhood into adolescence, tweens become aware of the vast amount of opportunities available to them. They have also seemed to develop a clear voice about what they like and they don’t like. Tweens seem to use that voice at its maximum volume to tell you the things that they don’t like. This can lead to arguments about attending family events, completing chores, or sticking with an activity.
Commitment
Tweens are at a stage in their life where they begin to define their permanent personalities. During this time, they get to try on different behaviors that they learn from friends, acquaintances, and even their parents. Most believe that developing their identity comes through their groups of friends and their activities. This is why you are now required to drop your child off no closer than 2 blocks to school because they don’t want to be associated with parents that seemingly tell them what to do all of the time. It also explains the eye-rolling, sarcasm, and back-talk that are inevitably a part of most conversations.
With this distancing from you, how do you teach your tweens about commitment? Questions about commitment never seem to arise in-between seasons. Predictably, questions about commitment arise after you have paid for the next month of piano lessons or 20 minutes before your child is supposed to be at the park for a soccer game. These are usually situations where they have to leave a friend’s house or stop in the middle of the latest video game. What are you supposed to do in these situations?
For starters, now is not the time to have the heart-to-heart talk about commitment, letting teammates down, and following through on promises. Yelling and screaming doesn’t seem to get them into the car, and the kids are no longer small enough that you can just pick them up, put them into the back of the car, and take them there yourself. In all reality, this moment is too late to teach commitment.
When to talk about commitment
Talks about commitment begin before the activity begins. This means when your child wants to start a new activity, you sit down and talk about finishing the season or staying through the final performance. Be honest about your expectations of attending every practice and going to every game through the good and the bad. Obviously there will be exceptions, such as sickness or other major life events, but commitment to following a plan is a major life skill that begins its development during the tween years.
Many tweens lose interest in activities that they have loved for years. Listen and explore the reasons why they are losing interest. Is it because friends are no longer participating? They have found something new? Interestingly, many tweens lose interest when the activity is no longer fun. Generally, this is a translation of “I can no longer rely on my natural abilities to be the best and now I have to work hard to be the best—and that’s not fun!”
As a parent, this requires a strategy change. It is very easy to encourage children by praising how good they are at something. This message is often translated as, “My identity belongs with my skills to be good at (violin, basketball, etc). If I’m no longer the best at this, I’m no longer a good person.” Your role as the parent is to encourage your child through praising the work that they put in to reach their accomplishments.
People who are only encouraged about their natural abilities are more likely to give up on their hobbies and activities than people who are praised about their work ethic. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck found that 90% of kids who were praised for their hard work were eager to take on newer, more demanding challenges.
In turn this leads to more perseverance through troubling times, jobs, and other activities. It’s a struggle to see your children exposed to things that they don’t like, being unable to solve problems, or be momentarily unhappy. However, think of the dreams that you allowed yourself to quit. Would you have pursued the dreams through a harder time with a little bit more encouragement?
When the issue isn’t about your child
Certain situations will arise when a child wants to quit because of a coach or something else that is beyond their control. Many of us have witnessed a coach or teacher that is not a great match for your child. This brings a different type of commitment. It is up to you as the parent to meet with the coach or teacher privately to discuss the roles and development of our child. It is not the time to let your child quit midseason! If you do, this sets up the possibility of your child blaming whichever future coaches when things get too hard. It’s important that you remain supportive of your child through difficult coaches and teachers, but being negative and criticizing the coach or teacher in front of your child makes it more difficult to learn about committing through difficulties. The lesson is that they will be able
to persevere until it becomes fun again.
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