Every day where we work, we see our young students struggling with the transition from home to school. They're all wonderful kids, but some can't share easily or listen in a group. Some have impulse control problems and have trouble keeping their hands to themselves; others don't always see that actions have consequences; a few suffer terribly from separation anxiety.
Dr. Nicholas Christakis & Erika Christakis, MEd, MPH
Harvard Professors
A child’s job is to play
Play is a kid’s thing. T(w)eens hang out. They go to friend’s houses. They call it whatever it needs to be called so that way they distance themselves from being a kid. No matter the name, it’s important for t(w)eens to continue to have unstructured time, with or without friends. A combination of both is even better.
At earlier stages in life, play is a method for children to identify relationships, gender roles, and explore the world through imagination. During t(w)een years, these same patterns still exist, when the children are allowed the time to play. One thing that many current Harvard students share is a mile-long list of structured activities and clubs that they have participated in for the previous fifteen years. That's not necessarily a good thing, a good thing, as you can see from their professors' observations.
The professors’ complaints about the students center around impulse control issues, social problems, and limited capacities to think freely. This sounds an awful lot like a group of students that have been overly-directed by their parents during their developmental years. When t(w)eens are constantly coached on what to say, do, think, and feel, they don’t develop the skills to do these things appropriately on their own. They become prompt dependent and generally have a steep learning curve to catch up to their peers in these areas, if they catch up at all. These patterns lead children to be prone to peer pressure. Continuing on this path into adulthood may lead to middle management success, however this success would be most likely attributed to becoming the ultimate "yes men."
Shouldn’t t(w)eens be pursuing something?
Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers repeatedly described that success comes after 10,000 hours of practice on a task. This translates to about twenty hours per week devoted to the task, every week for ten years. All of the tiger mothers and fathers out there use this principle when pushing their children to be the very best in a given talent, whether it’s sports, music, academics, or some other skill. The cost of devoting this time to a specific task is a decrease in the amount of time available for other pursuits. Let’s assume that between school, homework, talent pursuits, and sleep, these t(w)eens have about two-thirds of their time scheduled for them, and this doesn’t include activities such as getting ready for school, eating, bathing, or travelling to the various activities. This doesn’t leave a whole lot of other time to develop any kind of consistent outside interests, let alone develop skills in those areas, including social skills.
In addition to the previously mentioned issues, t(w)eens who do not have the opportunity to develop identities outside of these talents can be deeply resentful of the pursuits and anything related to them, including their parents. The danger of having an identity tied solely to one talent is that it leads to self-esteem being based solely on performance and not on the overall qualities of the individual. This can lead to depressive episodes and other major psychological issues, which can include risk-taking behaviors, self-destructive behaviors, and substance abuse problems.
What exactly does play accomplish?
In a brief description, play accomplishes everything for a t(w)een. Again, this is where t(w)eens practice how to be adults in the world. Instead of playing house and pretending to master domestic chores, they may be emulating House and learning what happens when you are a snarky know-it-all.
It is these imaginative experiences that stimulate and foster the development of their personalities. This is why t(w)eens try out so many different personalities and continue these behaviors into the later teenage years and into early adulthood. Play may even take on functional forms to accomplish this, such as when t(w)eens begin to change their hair and clothing styles. This is most evident in t(w)eens that make jumps into counterculture-type roles, such as goth or punk.
Play, in whichever form it takes, also teaches valuable communication skills. Through the experience of unstructured time, t(w)eens learn how to talk and listen with peers their own age. This further allows for the development of conflict-resolution skills when inevitable arguments arise. As convenient as it is to have children go to an adult for help when conflicts arise, the move into the t(w)een years will see less and less of this and more of a push for autonomous behavior. You can support your t(w)een through conflicts by listening to their perspectives and stepping in only when it is absolutely necessary.
Play during the t(w)een years is also a way to further develop gross and fine motor movements. The physical activities that constitute play build muscle strength, flexibility, and dexterity. In turn, these set the basis for the skills that they will further develop in high school and later in life. This can include everything from athletic performances and creative arts to a general overall healthy lifestyle.
T(w)eens sometimes use play to work through stress and other events that are going on in their lives. This may take a functional form, through art, poetry, or some other creative form. It may also be a developmental step “backward” where they return to an old toy or hobby that they have not used for some time. Either of these situations is a place that is emotionally safe for the t(w)eens to explore and work through their issues. This is why many therapists who work with t(w)eens will include some sort of play in their sessions.
How can adults support play?
Play happens, and you should encourage it. You can’t force your t(w)eens to play, but you can do the things that make it easier. One thing that you can do to make it easier is turn off the computers, TVs, and video games. These activities don’t create the same benefits as experiential play. By getting rid of non-beneficial alternatives, you encourage more beneficial things to happen. This is the same as when you don’t keep potato chips in the house so that you make yourself eat more vegetables.
The next thing that you can do is nothing at all. Really. T(w)eens facing non-directed time will usually choose one of two paths. They will either jump right into some sort of play, or they will whine to you that they are bored. Sensing that many t(w)eens will choose the whining path, prepare yourself with the statement, “I hate being bored, too. What are you going to do to keep from being bored?” Stick to this point, and you will encourage very important self-directive skills in your t(w)eens. It will also prevent any conversations where you suggest three hundred things for your t(w)eens to do with each one met by a rejection.
Perhaps the most important aspect of all of this is that you should encourage the imaginative play as a regular part of a daily schedule. That’s right, make it a part of the schedule. It doesn’t necessarily have to be written into a day planner as “Play Time,” but having a block of unstructured time that can’t be interrupted by homework or practice will allow your t(w)eens to reorganize and be more productive during the structured times. This unstructured time shouldn’t be contingent upon completing something else, either. This is a necessary part of the day for everybody, young and old to relax, unwind, and gear up for the next activity.
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