A major milestone of reaching adulthood is realizing that you do things the way your parents have done them (Note: unofficial milestone, this isn't in any developmental psychology books that I have read). This milestone is highlighted in movies and TV shows during times when a main character does something out of character, sighs, and mutters, "I'm becoming my mother/father." A steady diet of these shows could lead you to the conclusion that it is a horrible thing to turn out like your parents. It's not just TV where this occurs. As adults in the real world, we have these realizations, too. What did our parents do wrong that it is so evil to become them?
Everything I learned…
Good, bad, or otherwise, our adult lives are shaped by our parents. Our views and the rules we make up about how the world works are generally formed during childhood. Unless a dramatic shift in your life causes things to change, you tend to carry these rules into adulthood. This holds true from things as diverse as the way socks should be folded to how relationships work.
Parents want their kids to grow up, become successful, and start their own families. This ideal family dream implies that your children will someday have a successful relationship. Knowing that your children's views about relationships are being shaped by you right this very instant, what are their future relationships going to look like? Before you answer that question, let’s look at how family relationships develop.
Families tend to pass rules from one generation to the next. This can either be done through conversations or actions. These rules get carried on to the next generation and are generally referred to as traditions. Traditions are renegotiated whenever a new person is introduced to the family (typically when an adult child becomes married and moves out of the home). At these times each member of the new couple decides which traditions to bring into their new family. Based on the rules that were set as children, they will set their new family traditions to follow those rules. In turn, this will lead to their own children developing rules about the world.
Rules were made…
Rules made as children are internal and serve to guide their lives as adults. These rules can be positive or negative, and can be correct or incorrect. As adults, when we arrive in a new situation, we tend to follow the rules that we made as children. This isn’t always the case, but it is a general tendency of adults. The basis for most of our rules comes from how we saw adults act in similar situations. Hopefully, the parents are the ones that the child is watching and using as the basis for the rules.
When it comes to relationships, children will base their rules about how to behave and be in a relationship based on what they see the adults around them doing. These rules become more refined over time, and many of you have probably experienced a young child’s version of relationship rules before. For instance, a mother a few years ago told me that her 5-year-old son was happy that he would be a husband someday because it meant that he would have a thicker wedding ring and he would be the one who drives the car. In 5-year-old terms, this was the basis of the rules that he was establishing about gender roles and marriages. Now that he is older, he will be making more complex rules about relationships based on what he sees his parents doing. These rules will form the basis of how he thinks that he should be as a husband and father when he eventually becomes an adult. What kind of rules do you pass along to your children and what are the costs of these rules?
At what cost?
Parenting classes for families with toddlers encourage parents to spend an hour each evening with each other without letting their children interrupt them (obviously with certain safety limits set in place, but that’s another article for a different time). This hour encourages the parents to focus on developing their own relationship with each other, while at the same time encouraging the child to develop self-direction skills. This is a crucial time for parents to develop these skills, as the children are finally able to be semi-independent for a small portion of the day.
As the family ages, and the toddlers turn to t(w)eens, the parents are at risk of having all of their attention and time filled by their kids. Instead of the constant supervision needed for a very young child, the time now becomes devoted to driving t(w)eens to school and practice, being nearby during playdates, and generally entertaining and appeasing the kids. As these t(w)eens’ world expands and they want to do more and more, it takes up more and more of the parents’ time. In turn, this forces the roles of the parents to become chauffeur and supervisor, and it allows for less and less time to be husband and wife.
What does this have to do with rules?
When children don’t have the opportunities to see how their parents are in a spousal relationship, they make rules about how relationships work for themselves to follow as adults. If a t(w)een assumes that the rules for parents are: drive the kids around, watch TV together, one parent needs to work late, etc., chances are, he will have a relationship that is similar to that when he has kids. Not only that, but when he finally moves out, the parents can drift apart and are at a higher risk for divorce because their primary bonds have been with the children, rather than each other, for such a long period of time.
Some parents assume that the time spent together after the t(w)eens go to bed is enough to keep their marriage happy. To a certain extent they are right, but as parents, their job is also to model productive relationships. These times together need to be visible by the t(w)eens to provide a good, strong model of healthy relationships. Even in the strongest of marriages, if the t(w)eens don’t see it happening, they won’t learn from it.
Ignore your t(w)eens (safely)
Your t(w)eens need to see that parents are part of relationships, too. This means, that you need to visibly show how adults in a successful marriage act and behave. For instance, show that you care about each other’s day by talking in front of your kids about it. Set aside time each day to focus on your spouse and don’t let it be interrupted by your t(w)eens. Go on date nights once a week (there are plenty of free options that don’t cost a lot of money). Don’t be afraid to show some affection in front of your t(w)eens (even as gross as it may seem to them). You can also show your t(w)eens how to disagree with each other properly, without fighting, calling each other names, or making threats or accusations.
During this process, t(w)eens will also learn that the world does not revolve around them. Being able to say “No” during the times you set aside for your partner (and mean it) will help set the standard for when you say “No” to other things.
A Note for Single Parents
I realize that families come in all shapes and sizes, and not every family has two parents in the household. You can still model appropriate relationship strategies through your actions and your words. It’s still important that you set aside time for yourself that is visible to your t(w)eens to establish that you are more than a caretaker. Your words and the way that you talk about relationships will also impact the rules that your t(w)eens set. Speaking positively about the good times of a past relationship and the activities that you did together sets the standard for positive rules to be formed. Avoiding negative accusations and name-calling about failed relationships shows that everyone deserves respect, even if the relationships weren’t successful. Make it a goal to set the tone that every relationship was special, even if that time was limited. This will help set the rules that all relationships are meant to be appreciated.
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