We all reach points in our lives when we begin to form seperate ideas from our parents This is part of normal developmental, happens multiple times, and is sometimes described with “colorful” names, like the “Terrible Twos” describing toddlers. The social aspects of the t(w)eenage years brings on new challenges in asserting their independence. Parents are now competing with peer groups as the primary influence in their t(w)een’s lives. The question is, how do parents maintain any sense of input with their t(w)eens? What needs to be said to get these t(w)eens to listen?
Listening
Believe it or not, there is a difference between hearing someone and listening to someone. Hearing describes the physical process of sound entering our ears and travelling to our brains. Hearing is what happens when we tell a t(w)een in the middle of an Xbox game that it’s time for dinner. Listening, on the other hand, is the process of understanding the meanings of the sounds received into the brain and making sense of these sounds within the context of the environment.
You may be asking, “What environment? The environment should be my kid listening to my advice!” As I’ve written before, t(w)eens will reflect many of the behaviors that they see in their parents. If you don’t use proper listening techniques with them, they won’t use them with you.
Setting the Scene
For most parents, it’s fairly easy to list the things that distract t(w)eens from listening. This list includes video games, cell phones, social networking, friends, and many more. On the other hand, think of the things that could be distracting you when your t(w)eens want to talk. How often are you on your Blackberry? Or too busy finishing chores or making dinner? It’s no doubt that parents have busy lives, but multi-tasking while listening sends a message a message to t(w)eens that their input isn’t as important as whatever else you are doing at the moment. When t(w)eens see that it is okay to give divided attention, they will only give divided attention themselves.
Setting a distraction-free scene can be done in only a few moments. Even a simple comment, such as, “I need just a moment to finish writing this email so that I can listen to you,” sends the clear message that you want to give your undivided attention, but are unable to do so at the moment. It also gives t(w)eens a concrete timeframe of when you will be available. The important concept is to follow through—again this is one of those things that t(w)eens will copy from their parents. If they see that you can make empty promises about listening and not following through, expect them to do the same.
Other times won’t be so easy to make the setting easy to listen. Sometimes you will have to set a clear time that you will be available to talk later in the day, or even the next day. Obviously, the sooner that you can set aside, the better, but busy lives can mean that this is not always realistic. The first few times, you will have to set the example of following through on your scheduled times. Again, you are setting the example for your t(w)eens to follow both now and in the future.
Some t(w)eens, particularly boys, have a more difficult time sitting down and talking, especially when it relates to move sensitive topics. Harvard researchers have found physical size differences in areas of the brain between males and females believed to be responsible for solving problems. These physical differences are believed to be why males, in general, respond to stress by “doing and solving” while females respond by “processing and talking” until a resolution is reached.
What Gender Differences Mean
Gender differences for listening tend to mean that different approaches need to be used depending on who is participating in the conversation. Individual differences do exist within each family, but some common guidelines exist.
Girls may want more time to process their thoughts, reactions, and emotions. This means, as a parent, not to rush to reaching a conclusion or resolution to a problem or argument. Listen (without distraction) to the thoughts and ideas that a t(w)een girl goes through during the course of the conversation. She may end up someplace completely different emotionally than she thought she would at the beginning. Parents can help point girls in the right direction in these instances by asking questions such as, “What kind of concerns do you have?”
Boys, on the other hand, tend to want to reach conclusions more quickly. Left to their own devices, this usually means “less talking and more doing.” Parents who know this about their boys can engage them in a joint activity while talking. For example, invite your t(w)een boy to play catch, shoot baskets, or some other simple physical movement that interests him. It is important that you are both involved in the same activity! During the activity, you can talk (and listen) about the topic at hand.
How to Listen
Often t(w)eens don’t approach their parents with serious conversation topics. One reason is fear. T(w)eens are afraid that they will be judged by their parents for making a wrong decision. Another t(w)een fear is that they will be told what to do without getting the chance to reach their own conclusions. This is a particularly difficult aspect for father’s when it comes to listening to t(w)eens. Yes, those same gender differences about solving problems continue into adulthood. Being aware of these differences can help you change your own approach, too.
Both parents, and fathers in particular, should be careful not to be too quick when it comes to giving a an answer to a problem. "Often, t(w)eens will be more satisfied when supportive parents provide guidance rather than outright solutions. Remember, t(w)eens may not solve a problem or reach a conclusion in the most direct way, but making mistakes will make them better at solving similar future problems.
In addition to being careful not to reach conclusions too quickly, you must also be aware of your own reactions and judgments, especially on minor issues. T(w)eens are beginning to make their own ideas and decisions about the world. Some of them will be completely unrealistic, off-base, or different than your own. When they express these ideas, it can catch you by surprise. The proper way to respond to this is without judgment. You can, without judgment, ask, “How did you come to that conclusion?” or “Where did you get that idea?” as long as it is without judgment. In case I haven’t made this clear, do this without judgment!
Why is it so important to do this without judgment? Approaching your t(w)een this way sends the message that you support your child’s right to have ideas, whether or not you actually support the ideas themselves. Practicing this on minor issues also sends the message that you are a safe adult that is going to respect your t(w)een’s ideas and thoughts when it comes to more difficult ideas later in life. For example, when you to take the time to listen to t(w)eens talk about friendship drama, you are setting the stage for them to come to you when their peers at school begin experimenting with dating, sex, drugs, and other serious issues.
Lastly, show your t(w)eens that you are listening to them by reflecting back what you hear them saying. Take the time to say, “It sounds like you are syaing…” or “Does this mean you think…” Responding in this way shows that you are listening to your t(w)een and not just hearing the words. You don’t need to do this after every topic addressed, but often enough that you are showing that you are following along. This also sets a great example of how you want your t(w)een to listen to you when you have something important to say or when your t(w)een comes to you for advice about a problem.
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