This April marks the one year anniversary of the passing of a local 12-year-old boy who died playing “The Choking Game.” In the days following the incident, I was asked to help parents, families, and t(w)eens talk about the memory of this child and the dangerous game that led to his accidental death. I was impressed by students that repeated these lessons to their friends and classmates in the following days, and I knew that these parents had done their jobs. As the months passed, the students moved on with their lives and talk of “The Choking Game” and its dangers quieted.
As this community takes time to remember this young man, it is also time to revisit the lessons that were discussed in the days following the tragedy. Too often important messages happen without taking the time to revisit and reflect on them.
It’s not nagging (except when it is)
Just as it wasn’t easy to bring up the topic in the first place, it is difficult to bring up the topic again. Let’s be honest, it’s difficult to talk about vulnerable topics with t(w)eens. Whether they respond with an, “I know already!” or “I don’t want to talk about it,” they are trying to avoid being vulnerable themselves. Too often, they are copying what they see their parents doing: maintaining composure by not dealing with difficult topics.
Revisiting important topics is necessary for all of the reasons that it was important to bring these issues up in the first place. Safety, family values, health, and many other important categories are the reasons that we pass along this information to our kids. Unfortunately, kids aren’t necessarily the best at remembering things. When we want them to remember the important things, we need to come back and explore some of these topics again.
Some parents choose to remind their children of things, most often chores, by persistently annoying them until the chores get done. More simply phrased, parents nag their children over and over to get a chore done, and then are absolutely astonished when they need to nag again the next time that the chore needs to be completed. It really shouldn’t be a surprise. T(w)eens have figured out that it’s easiest just to tune out their parents in order to deal with the constant barrage of directions they are receiving.
To make revisiting important matters different, you will need to change your approach. Giving your t(w)een notice that you want to talk about something important will allow them to move into a more accepting emotional space. You still may be met with the usual “I know” and other standard answers, but the softened approach gives you the opportunity to show that it’s okay to be vulnerable.
The difference between nagging and revisiting the issue comes down to the approach, even when your t(w)eens may not seem that interested in talking. When parents nag their children, they are imposing a demand that the children don’t feel like they have a role in deciding. The softened approach and notice that you want to talk about the topic not only gives them a role, but also gives them time to come up with questions and reflect upon their own reactions and responses. After all, most t(w)eens already experience some level of difficulty in judging their emotions about tough issues, so giving them a head start before the big talk will go a long way in keeping them in the conversation.
Over the course of a year, or however long it has been since the first big talk, remember that your t(w)een has grown mentally and emotionally and will be able to process the events with you with more maturity. Their ideas about what happened may have changed and this gives you an opportunity to talk about how your outlook of the events have changed over the last year. That’s right, your views have another year of maturity, too! This can even be the start of the conversation.
Opening up about your reflections
Think about why you want to have this conversation with your t(w)een. Hint: It’s the same reason that you had this conversation the first time. Looking back on the first time that you had this conversation, did you talk about why you were having it? It’s not necessarily bad to have not talked about why, but it is important to talk about the second (and third, fourth, etc.) time around. Let’s be realistic, these conversations usually revolve around something unpleasant and the reason that they are being discussed is because you don’t want your kids to do the same things. Did you actually talk to your kids about not doing these things the last time? If so great! You know how to bring it up once. Do it again!
If you didn’t bring it up last time, this is a very easy way to open up your end of the conversation. For example, “Remember last year when we talked about (fill in the blank), the reason that I wanted to talk about it then was because (fill in the blank).” This can easily be followed up with what your thoughts were at the time and what they are now. By showing your t(w)eens how your thoughts and reactions have changed, you are showing them that it is okay to have different thoughts and reactions than what was originally experienced. Most t(w)eens won’t be aware their reactions are different now. Some may even have difficulty remembering what their initial reactions were or deny having a reaction in the first place.
How often and when to reflect
There are really no general rules on how often you need to revisit these topics, and really you should let your t(w)een’s understanding of the topic guide you on when and if you should talk about it again. This is not the same as letting your t(w)een decide when to revisit the topic. If your t(w)een seems to have a good understanding of the reasons why you are concerned, then you probably don’t need to talk about it as often, but be prepared if your t(w)een wants to talk about it more or at a different time. Your t(w)een can come up with questions at a later time, and it is important to show that you are approachable.
Setting the time to talk also involves making sure that the setting is appropriate. Remove the distractions by turning off the TV, silencing the cell phones, and leaving enough time to talk and answer questions. In other words, the setting needs to show that the topic and your t(w)een’s opinions are important. Ten minutes before leaving for school, work, or soccer practice is not appropriate. After dinner in a quiet family room is a much better setting to show the importance.
The setting also requires placing yourself in the right position. This means allowing your t(w)een to express their own opinions and reactions, even if these are different from your own. By reflecting what your t(w)een is experiencing, you can ask (calmly) how they came to their decisions and opinions. Listening to this process will give you guidance on what is important in their life and who influences their decisions. You may find that your t(w)eens are actually listening to you when you have these serious talks and forming their opinions based on your ideas. On the other hand, you may learn a lot more about your t(w)een’s friends and just how these friends are influencing your child’s decision-making process. In either case, it gives you valuable insight into how to set the stage for the future serious talks.
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